Wow! I haven't been on for a month. I really need to start getting serious about this blogging thing. Of course my new laptop really makes it nicer and funner to work on ,so I can see myself doing this more. Thank you honey. Well it's that time of year when we run all over town looking for that perfect gift for our loved ones making ourselves crazy, only to have find they have changed their minds, or it's not the right size, color, style, and so on and so on. You get the point. Every year I ask myself why am I not prepared and why do I do this to myself? Christmas has become so commercialized that I think we loose sight of the reason for the season. I'm not religious, but even I sometimes feel resentful that big business has over commercialized us and has made us feel like if we don't fullfil our loved ones wants and wishes we are not only neglectful unfeeling parents, and spouses, but that we just don't care if they are happy and their unhappiness is all because we didn't buy them that one thing that would make their complete, and dare I say it? We don't really even love them! It's bad enough our children and spouses can make us feel guilty, but when we are slamed with so many commericals everywhere I mean go into a public restroom and most likely you will see some type of advertisement either plastered on the walls, but on the walls of the stalls too. I don't know about you, but I feel like I should be able to pee without being subjected to yet more sale ads. We are so over commercialized we don't blink when we pay ten bucks a ticket and forty dollars for popcorn, and then have to endure thirty minutes worth of commercials. Where is our outrage that we watch twenty minutes of commericals for every sixtey minutes of programming on our big screen t.v.s, or all the sports stadiums have become the frito lay or the viagria bowl, or that the bottom half of our t.v. screens are constancely scrolling one advertisement after another while we try not to be destracted so much we can't enjoy whatever program we are trying to watch. Why have we as a people allowed our congress to give the green light for big business to bombard our every waking moment to the point that we feel as if our lives will be so much better if we just buy that next newer improved more expensive sparkely thing, only to discover we aren't any happier or better off than we were when we were led to believe our lives would be so much better than before we bought whatever. Why have we not expressed our discontent with this over the top hard sales tactics and demanded congress reregulate the amount of time and spaces big bussiness can be allowed to advertise. I feel the amount of commerical advertising is the reason everyone is so much more stressed than we would be with just a plain old recession. After all, how can we not be stressed when we have fewer jobs and more and more commericals telling us we are failures if we don't purchase whatever the flavor of the day is? How is it congress has turned a blind eye are never subjected to non stop advertising? does it not bother them? Or do they all have so much money they would never feel like failures when they can't obtain the hottest sold out everywhere stand in line all night, get up in the wee hours thing we are convinced we can't live without? I'm sure they don't worry all they need to do is have their asstistants asstistant pick up the phone and call any business because they are on friendly terms what with all that money companies shovel in their bank accounts and their campaigns so they can shove their products down our thoarts twenty four seven. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get bak to the gas pump I think I

The dull life

I know it's been a long time since I've wrote anything and I think it's because I feel as if my life is so boring and dull these days, which is a phrase I never thought would come out of my mouth, but it seems it has. I don't know how it happened I have always been pretty lively and full of energy and full of life always been up to anything, but it seems that I have become more and more isolated over the years and so slowly that I didn't realize just how alone and isolated I've become. It sucks! You would think that it would be just the opposite of when my kids were little,you know you get stuck home because of childcare issues or just the amount of money it takes to raise them you know not much extra leftover after their needs,but no I was always busy with play dates or outings or sporting events. So I was always busy and then usually on the weekends we would entertain. There was always something going on mostly fun. The point is I had an active life. It all seemed to slowly change when we moved to this area. I didn't change,but I have never felt as if I fit in here.I am a pretty open minded liberal person and I guess here in the bible thumping south my personality isn't very accepted or understood. You know these people want to shove their religion and their rigid beliefs down your throat, and close minded to anything but their beliefs. I mean come on I might not believe in some of their ideals, but I'm not going to criticize or put someone down or tell them their wrong. I don't have a need to control everybody and force my opinions and beliefs on anyone. Think George Bush! I mean come on! He is a warmonger! All to avenge his poor daddy! What a schmuck! I mean how many innocent military personnel have been killed for this rat bastard? It was all a big lie and now every country in the world feels justified in doing the same to us. I am surrounded by people who see nothing wrong with this, but are outraged that Clinton got a blow job in the oval office! Come on! Like he is the only president that cheated? Not hardly! So needless to say I have been looked down upon by these far right wing elitist Republicans, and as you can imagine we don't have a whole lot in common. Or there is a lot of beer drinking cigarette smoking nascar people. What choices I have. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against any group of people, but it doesn't mean I want to hangout with them. Ever. So I guess that has been a lot of why I am leading a dull boring life. I don't seem to be able to break it though.I am not the type of person to join a group to share feelings I have taken classes to keep myself busy and have learned about design, but I didn't do it to get a job.I had to retire from my job because of physical pain. So really where do you meet people? It's not like I have a ton of money to do things with. As a matter of fact it has been so long since my husband got a raise(8years) even though management has been given raise after raise and after bonus. The people who keep the company running or flying twenty four seven always seem to be the ones who get screwed. Unions aren't what they used to be thanks in part from the government and in part the unions greed. I think it's important your kids are exposed to all kinds of different activities they were all involved in all sorts of sports and extra circular programs we always came up with the money, but somehow all our money goes to luxuries like food and electricity now, and things today are so exorbitant. But even taking classes I didn't really meet anyone I wanted to hang around with. I keep asking myself if my kids were in this situation what would I do? Then I think about all I did that worked for my kids, somehow it doesn't work for me. I keep telling myself if I lived somewhere else that's a little more laid back. Like the beach. I would have friends. At least I keep telling myself I would. It seems so much easier for my kids to make friends I guess because at a young age kids don't care about anything but their world so they don't force their beliefs or make you feel less than them. I never stayed in one place growing up long enough to really make friends long term. It's funny that now that I have been living in one place I can't make any real friends no matter how much I try I have acquaintances but no real true friends. So that's why I live a dull life I never thought it would happen I'm a fun person mostly, but the older I get the more I don't feel like trying, but I don't want to be dull and boring either! What to do what to do. But even if I am dull and boring I am going to try to write more often I know I have lots of stories some funny from the past when my kids and I grew up together. Make sure you give your children lots of opportunities to experience different things and expand their little minds. And appreciate your friends for who they are and if you are lucky enough to have a least one really good friend hang on to them. They make life not so dull and boring!

Well it's been a long time since I've wrote anything so I thought it was time. I sometimes feel as if my life is so boring and banal that I feel as if I really don't have anything anybody wants to hear about. Although my life hasn't always been this dull actually my life was filled with so much life sometimes wonder how I even survived. Raising three boys and really four if you count my husband which I do! Well you can imagine how full and hectic my life was for the better part of twenty five years. You can't raise three boys cart them to all their activities work full time maintain the house and keep the family together as best as you can and be dull and boring. I always dreamed of having a family of my own and knew that if I had the chance I would do whatever it took to have a real loving close family life. Family has always been important to me I guess because my own family life growing up was so dysfunctional. people throw that word around not really knowing or experiencing what dysfunction really is. It seems to have become a catchall phrase to explain or describe events or relationships that haven't gone as smoothly as they imagined. And I probably am guilty of that also, but truly if anyone has experienced dysfunction it has been me. I mean having a father who abandoned me, a grandfather who molested me frequently, and a mother who beat the crap out of me with whatever and whenever she felt like it, who also moved dozens of times which now I recognize as her running away from herself, who also put me down anytime she felt like it , which was often.
Now that I'm grown and many years out of that family life I see that my mother was so angry with the way her life was turning out that she took all that anger and rage out on my brother sister and I. We were here punching bag because we had to live with her. I see now that the older I got the more abusive she got I believe because to her I was her competition. Yes I was curvy and I had been told most of my life I was pretty. To her I was a threat for attention from men. Which explains why she was always flirty and touchy feely with any boy I brought home. It was very embarrassing but what could I do? Eventually I quit bringing home boys. Anyway I never had much of a childhood I was told at five years of age that now that my parents were divorced I was expected to help my mother with anything she needed help with. That was a huge responsibility for a five year old. Really what ended up happening was me being responsible for maintaining the welfare of my family. Something really to lay on a five year old don't you think? Of course my older sister was supposed to help too, but my mother never went to her one on one to tell her she needed to help out also. I think now the reason she didn't was she couldn't manipulate and make her feel guilty or bad for her situation. And then my brother wasn't expected to do anything because he was the only boy then there was my little sister who was the other golden child she was the baby why should she have to do anything. So there I was at the ripe old age of five trying my hardest to maintain a clean house not easy when four other people living there never cleaned up after themselves. My older sister was supposed to help but she didn't give a damn about the family or our house so it was very rare she did anything except on Sundays when she couldn't get out of helping to do the laundry. My mother would drop us off at the laundromat with a weeks worth of dirty clothes for five people. Can you imagine how much laundry that is? Every week we did ten loads. If we were lucky my mother would pick us up, but most times we had to lug all that laundry home across a couple of big fields. I dreaded Sundays. It was so hard trying to keep everyone happy and put together. Somehow I turned into the mother cooking cleaning laundry. If my mother didn't like how something was done I paid hell for it being called names cursing telling me how stupid I was and usually by the time she was done ranting and raving she would start hitting. I really am surprised she didn't kill one of us. I choose to believe god was protecting my siblings and I. Yes that was what my childhood consisted of. That same year I found out there was no Santa when by Christmas eve we didn't even have a tree I was worried Santa wouldn't even come so I couldn't sleep at all. When I heard a noise I tipped toed out to the living room hoping to catch a glimpse of Santa when instead there was my mother decorating a tree branch she had stuck in a can. Well I was disappointed there was no Santa.
Instead of my mother being understanding about my disappointment in Santa she got pissed started yelling and made me stay up and do the dishes. Some mother huh? I remember I felt bad for my mother because I had spoiled her surprise and ended up apologizing to her over and over again while I did dishes. I have been trying to forget my childhood since my childhood.That's why family life was the most important thing I could do for my kids.
I tried to be the best mom ever, I know I wasn't perfect and I know I made lots of mistakes, but I tried so hard to give my kids the happy childhood I never had and to give them the one I imagined family life should be. I worked my ass off I had three boys by the time I was twenty seven and had already been married eight years. My whole adult life has been raising a family and putting my needs on hold. I also had no chance to find myself or what it was I wanted to be when I grew up. And really I had spent my whole life raising a family. Except this time it was my very own family not one I got because my parents didn't want to take responsibility for the mess of a family they created. There was no way I wasn't going to take care of my family the way they deserved to be taken care of. I always read to my kids every night before bed. I think it's so important to connect with your kids and reading to them is one way to connect so I read to them every night and usually sometime during the day also. Reading helps kids explore and understand the world around them, also it helps develop their vocabulary and their intellect there sense of adventure, and pretend. Also if you're lucky it instills the love of reading. of course I read to my kids so I could connect with them and discover what their interests are their likes and dislikes. To let them feel their importance love and caring I felt for them. I wanted my children to feel safe and secure knowing there was at least one person in their life who wanted and enjoyed being with them. I believe parents should not just mom but dad too should take at least a few minutes everyday to read to their kids. I actually feel that it is so important to read to your child on a daily basis until they believe they are too old to be read to. That's one very important thing to do to connect with your child. So parents please read to your children every chance you get. You might think of it as one more chore you don't have time for, but trust me your kids grow up so fast that you only have a small window of time to enjoy them because after they are grown all you have is the great memories left of that part of their lives. It is one chance you have to have a positive influence on them. So do your part to help them become productive members of society. Do your part to instill a sense of learning and adventure in their lives. Do your part to instill a sense of security and love. After all how much more secure can they feel sitting in your lap or snuggled up in bed while you give them the sense of importance with your undivided attention? This is part of a formula to give your children a feeling of well being and self a sense of their importance and a sense of belonging to a family unit and what their part in the family is. So read to your kids and tuck them in every night let them feel how much love you have for them and that they matter that their part of the family is what makes the family the great one it is, and that the family just wouldn't be the same without their participation in it. Believe me the time and love you invest in your children will come back to you tenfold, and will also reflect in the kind of person they grow into. It's such a small thing to do but becomes a huge benefit for you and your child. So parents read to your babies every chance you get. I know I know you would love to but just don't have the time. Yes you do this is too important to blow off and ignore. If you read age appropriate books you will have the time. Most importantly before you buy or checkout a book browse through it and make sure it doesn't have very many words on each page. That's the secert to successfully reading to your child. Books that have tons of words on each page will end up becoming something to be dreaded by you and your child. And very frustrating to say the least. Children have very little attention spans so choose books wisely. It's one easy enjoyable way to show your love and to help you unwind and destress from the days highs and lows. So parents listen up and take the time to read to your child everyday share yourself your kids didn't ask to be here and if you don't care enough to invest your time care and love to your child who will care? If you don't the next thing you know your child will write a scathing tell all book where you are the cause for everything that goes wrong in their life. And really your children have the capacity to bring out the guilt you feel anyway, and really who needs that? Well that's all for now. Until next time take time each day to appericate, enjoy, love and share a little bit of yourself with your children. You are investing in yours and their future. Good Luck and Enjoy. Until next time mom knows best

Boy this just keeps getting easier and easier!
So I found myself married and pregnant. Since my new husband lived in the barracks we found a place together. Which slowly became my nightmare instead of it being a happy time for me. What new bride doesn't look forward to their very own place? You know nesting, or decorating. Making the place your very own for your growing little family.Oh no not for me. I mean is it too much to ask for a little happiness? I don't know how it happened (I suspect my husband had something to do with it), but the next thing I know my mother and younger sister had not only moved in, but my mother had the master suite, and my husband and I were in what was to be the nursery! And if that wasn't enough to deal with my husband didn't want to grow up. I never knew if he was coming home for dinner or if he was going to stay out playing with the boys! And there is my mother not paying a dime, and acting like it's her house! She tried to make the rules, she all of a sudden starts cooking all these great dinners.Hell I was shocked she never cooked like that when I was growing up, I guess she was trying to impress my husband enough that this was one of her little games to win him for herself. I mean she kept making fun of me or saying mean things to me and about me. I think my husband saw that he could take advantage of me my self esteem was almost non existent and I was a loving caring wife I liked taking care of him, but he abused that by expecting it, and using my kindness to manipulate me. He didn't need to take lessons from my mother he was as good and even better than her, I just wanted to please him. Well you can imagine the situation was just another chapter of how shitty my life has been thus far. If I wasn't pregnant and looking forward to my baby, and taking off from work too I would have lost it altogether, I just tried harder and harder to please my husband. I wanted my son to grow up with a dad, and I thought if he saw how good I was maybe he would want to spend time with me instead of always hanging out with his buddies, or at least let me hang out with him and his friends too. But no that never happened.
Well after three months of living with mother we went and rented a place of our own. We moved in and left my mother in the other place. Well she had to get a job oh my! So I'm thinking now we have our very own place. Now things will get better. HA HA! We rented a so so apartment in a four plex and it had a killer balcony where we could sit and enjoy the pacific. Now if only my husband would grow up. Oh he would promise he would instead our house became the party house. Not because I wanted it but what was he supposed to do? Turn his friends away? That would be just rude! By that time I'm trying every thing I can think of to please my husband. He let me know all the time he couldn't wait for me to have the baby because then I wouldn't be fat. Or he would comment about what I ate. He would make comments about my cleaning skills. Meanwhile I'm a cashier standing on my feet eight hours a day, riding the bus to and from work because my husband couldn't be bothered, and he would let his buddies drive the car whenever not even caring if I needed to get to the Dr's. or grocery store. I would get off the bus exhausted and walk home only to walk in to a raging party, with the smell of beer permeating everything and the music blasting. Oh lucky me!Can you imagine just how bad I felt about myself? Oh I got I'm sorry all the time but he would do it again and tell me it's my fault somehow. it's my fault he lies to me it's my fault he parties all the time it's my fault when he doesn't come home. I tried harder. I didn't have friends he didn't like them I couldn't have money we couldn't afford for me to blow it. never mind he's buying cigarettes, beer, fast food, drugs. I was sad,but I still didn't feel trapped, and I kept trying harder. Meanwhile, I'm getting fatter and fatter and hardly eating because I was fat. And then if things couldn't get any worse for me my mother moved into the apartment right next door! I couldn't enjoy my balcony now. Otherwise my mother would come over and that didn't even stop her. By that time my husband was getting out of the marines, and my due date was fast approaching. In between his job and the due date my mother unbeknown to me was talking up how wonderful it is in Michigan. He's from Arizona so of course he thinks it sounds like paradise, by the time I found out he was already convinced. I begged and begged for him not to listen but my mother apparently has more influence and more importance than me.When New Years came around I was two days from my due date. I thought we would spend our first New Years together, but once again I couldn't go I was due anytime. But I promise I will be home way before midnight. That was very hurtful and was the start of my feeling of being trapped.Because of course he didn't make it home until three in the a.m. He ruined our very first New Years never to get it back. I'm sure most people remember their first one with their special someone. I've just got pain, and a husband who thinks more of my mother than he does for me. How the hell did this happen, and why can I never just have a loving family life? Really is this what life has in store for me. I've been kicked around since birth, what's wrong with me? That's how you feel when you have nothing and no one who cares for you, when your self esteem is non existent. It must be me there must be something wrong with me otherwise why is it I keep getting hurt? Why does nobody love me?Am I a really bad person? I didn't think so I try to help out when people need it I try to be nice, caring giving loving. What am I doing wrong? It wasn't until much later and much mental abuse that I found out it's not me.
Well my mother's truck blew an engine, and my husband just sold the car, and our lease was up!Not good.So instead of taking it as a sign my husband and mother decided to put everything in storage and take a bus for three days until we get to Michigan. I begged and pleaded with him. I kept telling him I'm due any day, and my mother isn't telling the truth. Michigan isn't all that it's nothing like how she makes it sound. He just blew me off and dismissed me. By this time I really wanted out. I knew my husband was never going to grow up and be a part of the family. I was so trapped, but kept trying to to be a good wife. So the day after New Years there we were putting all our stuff in storage. And neither my husband or my mother thought enough of me to let me take it easy. Here I was big and due that day feeling crappy having swollen feet, a backache, cramps. I was miserable, but I kept lifting and hauling and moving. Well you know where this is going. Of course I went in labor. My night was miserable, not only was I absolutely exhausted, but of course I started labor. All night long my back hurt so bad, and I had the worst cramps ever. I didn't sleep at all, and I was worried maybe it wasn't labor and if I ask to go to the hospital and it was gas or false labor, I knew my husband would be really mad. Plus we were sleeping on a floor of one of our neighbors house and I didn't want to cause problems in someone Else's house, so I suffered all night while everyone slept. I prayed alot and I cried tons I was at my lowest I didn't have a car or even a house for my baby to come home to. We had to borrow a car to get to the hospital. Yes I was in labor thank god it wasn't false otherwise I would be in trouble. I was in labor all day long, and finally my baby came a beautiful baby boy! I was so happy and fell in love immediately. When my mother came to the hospital I asked her to go look at my prefect baby. To which she said I'm not here to see him I don't know him I came to see you. We are catching a bus to go home. With that she left. So there I was with a husband who wouldn't grow up. We had no place to go to and no car, no baby stuff. My baby saved my life.We ended up staying with some of his friends for a week. I have since then learned to pick my battles, and to stand up for myself. Well I've said enough for today, but here's a parenting tip which will save a lot of grief. Pick your battles with your kids things that don't seem important to you might be the most important to them. And you can never love your kids enough so show love every chance you get. Til next time mom knows best.

Oh hey, it's been a long while since I've written. It's almost a reluctance of a sort. Always running through my mind is what can I write about? My life is so boring these days. And yet, I look back to when my kids were little and am amazed I survived! And then there is always my childhood I learned how to be a good mom growing up in a very abusive house. I can't call it a home because my ideal of home is at least one loving caring parent or guardian of sorts that wants to keep you safe and wants your life to be better than theirs, where they do whatever it takes to mold you into a successful intelligent caring giving compassionate morally responsible human being. I grew up with none of that. Because my childhood never was I vowed to be the best mother I could possibly be. I knew what not to do. I know on some levels my mother loved me, but on the whole she was angry and resentful. And she is the best manipulator. She could teach classes on how to evoke guilt in order to always get what you want. My oldest sister didn't fall prey to the guilt she took notes and excelled at it! And my younger brother was the only boy one of two golden child's I grew up with. Because he was the only boy he got away with whatever he did. He never had consequences by my mother, and when he got in trouble with the neighbors or the law the only consequence he received was from them not mom. He never got grounded. Well he did have consequences of a sort. Whenever he did something that had anything to do with her she would beat the holy shit out of him if he broke her stuff or if he embarrassed her anything that had to do with her. Then it was on, of course that happened to my older sister and myself on a more frequent basis sometimes almost daily. I'm not talking about a spank on the ass or a slap upside your head when I say she beat us I mean she BEAT us. Anything little would set her off. You can imagine we walked on eggshells. She would pick up anything handy a broom, a 2x4, a wire coat hanger, a wooden spoon, I have even been beat with my own wooden platform shoe! That really hurts when she is beating you in the head as hard as she can. And really trying to kill me literally. I was born with a disease and am blind in one eye, although you can't tell by looking at me, anyway my mother was told make sure to protect my head because if I got hit hard enough it would activate the disease and make me totally blind and would eat my brain. I didn't wear a helmet but I always tried to stay safe. I wasn't supposed to play contact sports. So when she goes straight for my head, which she didn't with my siblings, all I can assume is she is trying to kill me. She always went for my brother's crotch,and my older sister just got beat where it wouldn't show. I never realized I was living with such an evil mean person I think back and I realize my brother and sister and I were so lucky not to have been killed by her. Really someone up there was looking out for us. Nobody else gave a shit to help us. We should have been taken from her at the hospital. Family knew how she was treating us, and my aunt did pull her off us several different times, but she had her own challenges getting a divorce and raising her own children, and of course my aunts and uncles had their own lives to live. My grandparents were no help. Actually my grandfather was abusing us too. I think he started molesting us before we were five. My sister and I tried to tell my mother but we were called liars and beat for saying something bad about her beloved father. I grew up living in hell. And she threw us at my grandfather every chance she got. My mother was never involved in our lives it was all about her and what she wanted, and what we could do for her. So my vow was to do the total opposite of her mothering skills.
I met my husband passing through southern California, turns out we set up camp right outside camp pendelton one of the biggest marine bases in the U.S.. We were there so my mother would have some place to have her unemployment checks sent. We were moving from San Francisco where we had lived for a year. We were there because she wanted to see the old Victorian houses. And we had moved there from Texas where we had lived for two years because she had lived there in one of the many places growing up. My grandfather always had his family on the move crisscrossing the U.S.under the guise of looking for work (he was a carpenter) where there was the hugest building boom during that time he could have stayed in Michigan (where our family originates), and made a good life for his family and retire with a pension. But no he dragged them everywhere. I now believe he didn't stay in one place very long because his pedophilia would have came to light. In fact when he finally got busted my grandparents had finally retired and he had been living in Michigan several years beforehand he was ninety two at the time and it took his best friends granddaughter before anyone listened. By that time I was in my thirties. And to this day my grandmother apologizes every time she sees me.Of course my mother called my sister and I liars and were just saying that to hurt her feelings. See what I mean? It's all about her.Most people who know me can't believe I survived and am a normal person, well somewhat normal! I vowed when I had kids I would do whatever it took to give them a better life and show my love.
So there I was laying on the beach soaking up some rays minding my own business trying not to be stressed that we were homeless and broke. When I looked up my mother sister and I were surrounded by jarheads!The beach was empty and soothing one minute and the next wow!Of course my mother was thrilled and in fact I think we stopped there to camp by design! My mother always acted like a prude when in fact I found out later she would fuck whoever showed her attention! Anyway there I was surrounded by boys (I was all of nineteen) and not particularly interested in any of them and they of course were teasing me and threatening to throw me in the water, when I spied this really cute boy standing up on hill looking, but not coming down trying to get my attention, and he was really cute!I knew the minute I saw him he was the man I was going to marry. So I did something I never do I went up to him and asked him to go swimming with me! And he said yes! Of course he kept feeling me up under the pretense of protecting me from the big mean waves, but I didn't care he was so cute and sweet. That night we hung around the campfire and when it got cold I asked him if he wanted to share my blanket of course he said yes, and that was also the first time I smoked a joint in front of my mother, but somehow I wasn't afraid of my mother this man made made me feel safe. Something I had never felt before. And the sex! Oh the sex! He has been the only man who satisfied me in bed. What a bonus for me! Of course being married to this man has had challenges lots of challenges. I think I got pregnant that first time, which was a surprise since I hadn't been on birth control for years and never got pregnant so I figured there was a problem, but I wasn't to that place in my life where it was a concern, so boy was I surprised! and I didn't tell anyone until I was four months along. By then I knew I was spending the rest of my life with him and we had become friends, and the orgasm's oh the orgasms! Three four times a day! Believe me I was so relaxed and stress free which is saying a lot considering I was basically homeless. My stud took the pregnancy well. He asked me to marry him. To which I said no and I kept saying no I didn't want to marry him because I was pregnant I wanted to marry him because he loved me and don't forget the orgasms! Well I finally said yes and we have been together since then.I was thrilled I was pregnant and knew I would do whatever it took to be the best mom ever. I look back and wonder how my mother could have ever raised us the way she did. I would do anything to take care of my kids to protect them and give them a safe secure loving happy childhood how could anyone not love their own flesh and blood enough to raise them in a loving enviorment? I didn't want to be supermom but I wanted to get as close to that as possible.Although sometimes I do wear my big red S!
Becoming a mother is a huge undertaking and who your kids become is the most important valuable job you can do for the future of a civilized society. It's the mothers and fathers out there who shape and mold our lives and make this a better place to live if you fuck up your kids what does that say about you? Believe me I have no clue how it is I turned out so good because God knows my mother wasn't responsible. As a matter of fact I took on the mother role to my siblings and mother it was always me ready to help or to fix things or offer a shoulder to cry on, it is me they usually come to for advice and help and to clean up their messes. That was one reason I wasn't in any hurry to procreate, but when I did I stepped up and became the mother I always fantasised I wish I had. My kids are grown now but I still am close to them all and they don't hesitate to ask for advice or help, and my grandchildren are all close and very special to me. So how could I not become the best mother?
Then again I didn't plan on or have a burning desire to become a mother, and I see it as a huge blessing just gravy. Sex before this man was never satisfying I thought it was nothing special and actually boring, just something you do because that's what guys wanted. Boy was I wrong! After all it was the orgasms oh the orgasms! that really shaped my future and gave me the loving caring family I always wished I had. Who would ever think having sex with the person you love would result in having the life you always wanted and dreamed of having and all it took was the orgasms. Oh the orgasms! Not very much mom stuff today, but you have to start somewhere.Next time. Keep it real, have faith, and stay safe. Until next time.

Mommas boys

Well once again this evil box has frustrated me ,but finally I got it. Hopefully I won't have anymore problems with this possessed electronic machine. Nothing like having your kid teach you how to use something to make you feel like a complete idiot! I've been a mom for thirty years and a parenting teacher for six years before my retirement, and because of my background or maybe in spite of it I vowed I would be a way better mother than my mother was. Actually even growing up my siblings came to me for help so really I feel like I've been a mom all my life. And even now my friends and daughter-in-laws have asked for some insight and guidance. And I do feel honored when I can help them from potty training tips (make sure they are ready first forcing them will just frustrate and confuse them and stress you out) don't worry it might seem like they will always be in diapers but I assure you they always learn it. How many middle or high schoolers have you ever seen in a diaper? Unless it's a costume it doesn't happen. Although sometimes I think if you don't potty train your daughters you don't have to worry about her dating! guys well they are a different breed I think if they could get away with never training they would be just fine having a woman or mommy to take care of them.
I have three boys well really including dad I have four boys and there were times when I thought my house was always going to look and smell like the boys gym locker. Didn't matter how often I cleaned or sprayed you knew boys lived there! I really wanted a girl because their clothes were so much cuter and stylish,boys stuff tends to be stripes and subdued for the most part I used to go visit the girls section and leave crying I was never going to be going on shopping sprees, or get mani-pedis together or dress alike, or have slumber parties. I admit I was really bummed that all my friends had girls and my sisters too and they were always dressed cute. But I didn't feel bad or like I got gypped for long. No no no watching my friends with their daughters opened my eyes wide.I really believe girls are hormonal right from the womb ! I swear some have been pms-ing since birth! I dodged a huge ugly bullet. I do admit the only thing that still bums me out is when your kids get married the girls tend to stick closer to home and become closer to their moms while the boys end up with being closer to their in-laws only because their wives get closer to their moms. My grandma told me she has the same problem you have a daughter for life and only a son until he takes a wife! Boy is that really true! I have heard my friends or young women make comments about how they don't want their mother-in- laws how they are witches and they want to be around them as little as possible.I have tried not to be the interfering in law I've tried to be a great in law just like a try to be the best mom. Of course it helps that my sons picked great women who I cherish as much as I do my boys. I do know that my boys for the most part are mommas boys,but it's so hard not to make them that way there is just something about little boys they seem to be a little more needy than the girls and they really don't mature as fast. Of course my boys are great dads and providers, but no matter how old they get they still need to be nurtured more somehow.
Of course raising my boys still allowed me go on shopping sprees with them the clothes just aren't as cute. And they don't have slumber parties they have sleepovers, with scary movies and video games and lots of wrestling. And the only time we dressed alike was for pictures. I was raised with not much t.v. we couldn't afford it, and my mom hated sports. So I got on the job training. There were lots of things we did as a family that involved sports, games, teams superbowls, final fours basketball, world series, world cup soccer,stanly cup playoffs, midget wrestling, wrestlmania,midget throwing,the Olympics. And on and on. Raising boys didn't leave much time to pamper myself. When I finally painted my nails for the first time in years my youngest son got very upset because he thought I had something terribly wrong with my hands! It dawned on me at that time I wasn't giving them a true sense of what women are about. You know doing your hair or nails shopping in the women's section you know normal stuff women do for themselves. I was low mantiance for so long I didn't want them to think that women are all like that I know so many that are high mantiance. I didn't want them to be any more bewildered about women than most men are. So I started taking care of myself better you know I did my nails and went regularly to the salon for my hair. At first I felt guilty I was taking time away from them and money also, but then I remembered how I used to be before kids. I was pretty girlie. So the guilt didn't last. And it helped make me a better mom for it.
Now I have one granddaughter who is my little doppelganger, and fulfills that void of not having girls myself. I actually had fun the first time we played Barbies together. And wow! that bitch has everything!Barbies have come a long way since I was a little girl. And it was a welcome change to playing cars and trucks, or action figures G.I.Joe teenage muntant ninja-turtles he-man, or cowboys and indans. Although I admit my granddaughter had to help me get started, I had been blowing up ,crashing, wrestling toys for so long it took a bit to switch to girl stuff. And it's better than I imagined having a daughter would be. At the age of three she loves to shop and she loves to play dress up and she runs so good in heels sometimes I think I can learn from her!Plus When she starts pms-ing over something little I can help her or send her to mom or dad! I couldn't do that with my kids. Having kids is such a blessing and I am thankful mine are wonderful, but having grand kids is so much more joyful. I'm not stressed like I would sometimes get raising my boys. My house always seemed loud and busy, and wow the cleaning was never ending and the laundry came in mountains. Then of course you can imagine the amount of groceries and cooking I did. My guys are all meat and potatoes kinda guys so no t.v. dinners. I did my best to be June Cleaver while also working some job or another. I just didn't wear the heels and pearls while cleaning. That was saved for mom and dad time.Boy it was alot of work and I know that has contributed to my severe back problems. Since I didn't have the best role model on how to be a good mom or wife I made it up as I went along, and I went with what felt right for me. Yes I made lots of mistakes, and I still feel guilt about some parenting choices I made. I will always feel guilty when my three year old broke his collarbone and I didn't realize anything was wrong until the next day I beat myself up for a long time over that, I'm sure all moms have guilt concerning their kids. I still feel guilty leaving my child in daycare while potty training only to drop in and see all the kids lined up watching my child on the potty. I will never forget the horrified look on his face because everyone was watching him. Of course I never took him back to daycare and I made sure my husband and I had different shifts so we could avoid the whole daycare guilt moms seem to feel. So in effect I was a stay at home mom and went to work when they were winding down for bed. I'm so glad I was able to have that I know lots of single and married moms don't have that luxury.
While it was great for me and my kids at the same time my kids have grown up expecting stay at home wives, and anymore it's almost impossible to have that and be able to meet financial obligations also.There is nothing wrong with daycare I have grandsons who have been in daycare since they were newborns. Women want their own identities and monies and Independence. And I say more power to them, but if there is anyway to use daycare as little as possible you won't have all the guilt and you will truly cherish all the moments and stages of your child's life. Sometimes I think some parents leave the teaching to the daycares and schools,but you have an obligation to give your child a well rounded childhood where you and your spouse need to be hands-on parents. It's not the daycares or schools responsibility to raise your child it's yours. And it is the most important job you will ever have and if you screw it up what does that say about you as a parent?
Sure I could have had a big career and have the daycares and schools and babysitters raise my child,but then what would be the point? it shouldn't be so easy to discard or neglect them. You owe your child your best to nurture and raise law abiding productive members of planet earth. Believe me we will all thank you for it. Which means you can't just let them be raised by teachers or coaches, you don't even know what ideals or morals they believe in, we can't be content to let others mold our children simply because we are tired or don't have the time.Yes there is alot of sacrifices to be made but look what you end up with,and yes it can be stressful but also rewarding. Especially for moms. I mean how many professional jocks do you see say thanks dad? No they almost always say they owe their success to their mom or I love you mom! And then notice its always the males who profess it! See? boys are so different it acceptable almost expected for them to be mommas boys. And really I'm fine with that because that means no matter how old or married they get they still need their mommas!And I know I can't feel too much guilt for having mommas boys that means I did my job right. Of course now it's the guilt I feel for my daughter-in laws because I'm sure like me they have cursed his mom for raising a mommas boy, and the struggle to re-train them to be good husbands and dads. I mean June Cleaver who? Until next time. Stay sane! Mother's little helper had nothing to do with the kids!

Well it took a little less time but I did figure out how to get back on this sight all by myself this time. Yea me! I know to most people this seems like no big deal, but believe me it is a great big deal to me. And I'm sure some people might be thinking what an idiot this person is, well I have to admit sometimes I feel like an idiot, but really I am fairly smart, or at least that is what I tell myself. I'm sure many people have those moments where they feel look think they really are idiots, but I can do many things all by myself ,and there are times when I can't, and then there is the help me because I really don't want to do things myself and hey if I can get it done for me because I'm a halfway cute female then just how dumb am I?
Of course it doesn't take most females long to figure out how to get things done or given to them just because they are good looking, and the ones who are seriously hot know how to work it early on. Now that doesn't mean all females think that, but lets face it socieity puts a premium on looks and the hotter you appear to be the more opportunities seem to come your way. Hey I know it's not fair but I don't make the rules. And sometimes that works against you if you go through life thinking everything should be handed to you simpily because of your looks well then you sometimes end up an old my she must have been stunning when she was younger with no skills and not very successful. In other words you end up in the not so up scale hangouts hoping to catch some low rent blue collar laborers eye living meager paycheck to meager paycheck in the hopes of making next months rent, or even gas and cigarette money. Thinking you hit the jackpot and wondering how you ended up here when you had everything going for you when you were younger. I've seen so many young girls and women with that mindset and for that matter these days guys too. It makes me wonder about the state of our future and where we are going to end up in this world. So many young people have that the world owes mentality it makes me fear for the future of my granchildren, and for my boys as well. Though two of them are married to beautiful smart women who want more out of life than to be taken care of, and the youngest one I think will be just fine also,but my grandsons are in for a landmine of trouble when they start dating. My beautiful granddaughter on the other hand I don't have many worries about at the age of three she already seems like she will have them wrapped around her little finger,and she seems like if you don't do it her way there will be hell to pay! I see it already when she is with her dad and her papa.Of course if her parents had anything to say about her dating she wouldn't be allowed to date until she was thirty! I've told her mother as much as she wants that it won't happen! She will be shuing away the boys in kindergarten. Your kids always grow up and sometimes they don't make the smartest of choices, and they will break your heart, but thats as it should be.
One of the happiest days of my life was when my first son was born, and then of course my other two sons were more happy days and then when my first beautiful grandson was born oh happy day. Grandkids are so much more wonderful than your kids. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death and I love my daughter-in-laws I must have done something right because my boys picked the best women. I'm sure they don't think their parents had anything to do with it,but I'd like to think we had something to do with it. Anyway there are so many pitfalls to childhood and dating, but seriously I think childhood and the oppisite sex are a calkwalk compared to being a mother. And all you mothers know what a hard thankless job that is. I don't think anything prepares you for that job, and it is a very hard important job. I mean you can only give your children the love and care and the ability to make smart choices, but you can't make them take those smart choices at least not until they are of age. And then hell all you can do is pray and hope you did a good job.I know I'm not perfect, and I made mistakes but overall my kids are smart successful men. These days the fact that none of them have been in prison or even fimaliar with the justice system, and aren't druggies means I've done my job fairly decent. And really thats all you can ask for.
Of course if I had my way my boys would have waited until middle age before they got married I mean life is short, but also it's a long time to be married when you start so young.I know because I was married to their father just out of my teens. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and am so thankful that we somehow managed to stay married for thirty one years, but lets face it I sure wasn't fully cooked and believe me neither was my husband, and it has caused alot of problems. I didn't know who I was or what my life was all about I did want to be an attorney and I figured I would be a single mother coming from a single parent household,but somehow life got in the way, and that never happened. Not that I care about that anymore. I know my husband was a big cause of my failure. He is only a day younger than I am, and had a very different view of how a wife and mother was suppossed to act. I at times I was insane trying to please him in that June Cleaverish sort of way, while he was basically living the life of the single guy. It caused so many problems and had a huge affect on my self esteem, and being able to persue a degree never fit into his agenda. So I made sure I was the best mom I could be and still try to be the best mom ever. But my whole adult life has been trying to please my man and before I knew it my kids are grown and I'm what? wondering where time has gone and what now? It hasn't been the best of marriages and I blamed or was blamed for the state of it all. There were good moments and the sex was and is always good I believe that's what kept me hanging on and oh yea I had no shills except as a mom so I felt I was stuck. I mean how would I ever be able to support my kids by myself with no marketable skills. At times I was convinced I was crazy I mean after all according to my husband everything was my fault. And I do mean everything. So I tried harder. Until I finally woke up pushing forty and realized It wasn't me. I spent so many years beating myself up and trying to do better. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure it out. Believe me by the time I was turning fifty I had finally had enough. Oh we went to many different therapists over the years and the verdict was always the same. I was told I needed to leave this man because he would never see anybodies point of veiw but his own. You can imagine how that went over they were always declared to be quacks and we never went back. I finally decided I would rather be homeless than to be treated like I had been, and I was more afraid of dying living this way than to to be homeless. We may have been married but I felt like a single mom without the single mom benifits. It's a sucky way to grow up and it's a sucky way to go through life. Finally I gave him an ultimatium either we try therapy one last time or we split up. Fortunalty he decided really try. We went through a few therapist all saying the same thing and finally finally we found one who listened and gave us an answer. My husband was diagonised with a personality disorder. It may seem like no big deal, but I'm here to tell you it truly is. And best of all I had someone telling me I wasn't crazy! What a weight that was. Basically everything is about him and his needs and wants. He was very controlling and very isolating, and very verbally abusive try that for thirty years and see how you feel.Of course staying with him that long makes me a little crazy, but I felt for my kids sake I was stuck. You do whatever you need to to keep your kids safe and cared for.Growing up with a mom who basically was the same made me a perfect canidate I might as well had a neon target plastered to my forehead, so it probably wouldn't have mattered if it was my husband or some other nan it was going to happen, but the sex, oh the sex is the best. I'm sure you are probably thinking how much did I really have tocompare it to, but I started early and maybe and I did get married the first time at sixteen, just to escape my abusive childhood and had several partners before and after that first marriage, and believe me you know when its that good.
It was such a pardiox how can one person make you feel bad about yourself and so good at the same time? Everybody says being with the same partner so long that after awhile the sex becomes boring, but thats not exactly true. At least not in my case. The sex might not be as frequent but it is still great. That's what kept me going at least I was doing something right for this man, and I knew I was good at it. He made me want to do good. And I thought if I could rock his world then at least he wouldn't cheat on me. All my friends have been cheated on, and I was determined that wasn't going to happen to me, whatever it took. He could treated me horribly, but he never cheated. Anyway my therapist said growing up with an abusive mom and being molested by a close family member, and my father abandoning us at a young age made it possible to end up in an abusive realtionship. It almost gaurenteed I would end up with an abusive man. Lets face it we all like the bad boys I had many chances with good caring men but none could hold me like this bad boy could.But then when you get to be my age those bad boys are just little boys having tantrums and acting out in their own childish little ways. It wears thin and you begin to realize they have no power over you. You just want peace. More on this later. Out for now -mom

Electronic gods

WOW! I think I finally got it!Or at least I sure hope I do.I am a step up from computer illeriate unless you ask my husband and then I am totally computer illeriate. But that doesn't matter, and I know that I avidly avoid anything electronic. There have been times just using the remote control that I could swear I hear the electronic gods laughing!I know my limitations, and I am good at a lot of other things.
So the fact that I have my own blog is a huge leap forward, one that I should have done years ago, but better late than never.This all started for me as an idea I was thinking about and talked to one of my best friends/daughter in-law we talk at least once a day, anyway it went from just a little thought not even really an idea to me going to the libarary for research and not understanding anything I was reading and wondering how smart I thought I was to what a dumbass I really am and hearing faint laughter.Well I didn't know what to do and figuring out how to file this idea away like so many others that have come and gone and not feel like a quitter or loser when I thought maybe I could ask my son, and maybe he could explain it so I could maybe understand what to do. Well much to my complete surprise he actually set me up with a site right on the spot! Geese, now I have no excuses I'm going to have to produce something.
I just had my fifty first birthday last week! Can you believe it? I mean fifty one! how the hell did that happen? I also have been married for thirty one years I can't believe that either.I don't feel fifty one my body feels fifty one I mean i'm not as active as I used to be, not because I don't want to be ,but my body has chose to betray me back problems galore,and let me tell you it's scary when you not only understand when you overhear seniors talking about what ails them, but you also have those same ailments!Now my back is screaming so that's my cue to quit! Out for now mom knows best