Oh hey, it's been a long while since I've written. It's almost a reluctance of a sort. Always running through my mind is what can I write about? My life is so boring these days. And yet, I look back to when my kids were little and am amazed I survived! And then there is always my childhood I learned how to be a good mom growing up in a very abusive house. I can't call it a home because my ideal of home is at least one loving caring parent or guardian of sorts that wants to keep you safe and wants your life to be better than theirs, where they do whatever it takes to mold you into a successful intelligent caring giving compassionate morally responsible human being. I grew up with none of that. Because my childhood never was I vowed to be the best mother I could possibly be. I knew what not to do. I know on some levels my mother loved me, but on the whole she was angry and resentful. And she is the best manipulator. She could teach classes on how to evoke guilt in order to always get what you want. My oldest sister didn't fall prey to the guilt she took notes and excelled at it! And my younger brother was the only boy one of two golden child's I grew up with. Because he was the only boy he got away with whatever he did. He never had consequences by my mother, and when he got in trouble with the neighbors or the law the only consequence he received was from them not mom. He never got grounded. Well he did have consequences of a sort. Whenever he did something that had anything to do with her she would beat the holy shit out of him if he broke her stuff or if he embarrassed her anything that had to do with her. Then it was on, of course that happened to my older sister and myself on a more frequent basis sometimes almost daily. I'm not talking about a spank on the ass or a slap upside your head when I say she beat us I mean she BEAT us. Anything little would set her off. You can imagine we walked on eggshells. She would pick up anything handy a broom, a 2x4, a wire coat hanger, a wooden spoon, I have even been beat with my own wooden platform shoe! That really hurts when she is beating you in the head as hard as she can. And really trying to kill me literally. I was born with a disease and am blind in one eye, although you can't tell by looking at me, anyway my mother was told make sure to protect my head because if I got hit hard enough it would activate the disease and make me totally blind and would eat my brain. I didn't wear a helmet but I always tried to stay safe. I wasn't supposed to play contact sports. So when she goes straight for my head, which she didn't with my siblings, all I can assume is she is trying to kill me. She always went for my brother's crotch,and my older sister just got beat where it wouldn't show. I never realized I was living with such an evil mean person I think back and I realize my brother and sister and I were so lucky not to have been killed by her. Really someone up there was looking out for us. Nobody else gave a shit to help us. We should have been taken from her at the hospital. Family knew how she was treating us, and my aunt did pull her off us several different times, but she had her own challenges getting a divorce and raising her own children, and of course my aunts and uncles had their own lives to live. My grandparents were no help. Actually my grandfather was abusing us too. I think he started molesting us before we were five. My sister and I tried to tell my mother but we were called liars and beat for saying something bad about her beloved father. I grew up living in hell. And she threw us at my grandfather every chance she got. My mother was never involved in our lives it was all about her and what she wanted, and what we could do for her. So my vow was to do the total opposite of her mothering skills.
I met my husband passing through southern California, turns out we set up camp right outside camp pendelton one of the biggest marine bases in the U.S.. We were there so my mother would have some place to have her unemployment checks sent. We were moving from San Francisco where we had lived for a year. We were there because she wanted to see the old Victorian houses. And we had moved there from Texas where we had lived for two years because she had lived there in one of the many places growing up. My grandfather always had his family on the move crisscrossing the U.S.under the guise of looking for work (he was a carpenter) where there was the hugest building boom during that time he could have stayed in Michigan (where our family originates), and made a good life for his family and retire with a pension. But no he dragged them everywhere. I now believe he didn't stay in one place very long because his pedophilia would have came to light. In fact when he finally got busted my grandparents had finally retired and he had been living in Michigan several years beforehand he was ninety two at the time and it took his best friends granddaughter before anyone listened. By that time I was in my thirties. And to this day my grandmother apologizes every time she sees me.Of course my mother called my sister and I liars and were just saying that to hurt her feelings. See what I mean? It's all about her.Most people who know me can't believe I survived and am a normal person, well somewhat normal! I vowed when I had kids I would do whatever it took to give them a better life and show my love.
So there I was laying on the beach soaking up some rays minding my own business trying not to be stressed that we were homeless and broke. When I looked up my mother sister and I were surrounded by jarheads!The beach was empty and soothing one minute and the next wow!Of course my mother was thrilled and in fact I think we stopped there to camp by design! My mother always acted like a prude when in fact I found out later she would fuck whoever showed her attention! Anyway there I was surrounded by boys (I was all of nineteen) and not particularly interested in any of them and they of course were teasing me and threatening to throw me in the water, when I spied this really cute boy standing up on hill looking, but not coming down trying to get my attention, and he was really cute!I knew the minute I saw him he was the man I was going to marry. So I did something I never do I went up to him and asked him to go swimming with me! And he said yes! Of course he kept feeling me up under the pretense of protecting me from the big mean waves, but I didn't care he was so cute and sweet. That night we hung around the campfire and when it got cold I asked him if he wanted to share my blanket of course he said yes, and that was also the first time I smoked a joint in front of my mother, but somehow I wasn't afraid of my mother this man made made me feel safe. Something I had never felt before. And the sex! Oh the sex! He has been the only man who satisfied me in bed. What a bonus for me! Of course being married to this man has had challenges lots of challenges. I think I got pregnant that first time, which was a surprise since I hadn't been on birth control for years and never got pregnant so I figured there was a problem, but I wasn't to that place in my life where it was a concern, so boy was I surprised! and I didn't tell anyone until I was four months along. By then I knew I was spending the rest of my life with him and we had become friends, and the orgasm's oh the orgasms! Three four times a day! Believe me I was so relaxed and stress free which is saying a lot considering I was basically homeless. My stud took the pregnancy well. He asked me to marry him. To which I said no and I kept saying no I didn't want to marry him because I was pregnant I wanted to marry him because he loved me and don't forget the orgasms! Well I finally said yes and we have been together since then.I was thrilled I was pregnant and knew I would do whatever it took to be the best mom ever. I look back and wonder how my mother could have ever raised us the way she did. I would do anything to take care of my kids to protect them and give them a safe secure loving happy childhood how could anyone not love their own flesh and blood enough to raise them in a loving enviorment? I didn't want to be supermom but I wanted to get as close to that as possible.Although sometimes I do wear my big red S!
Becoming a mother is a huge undertaking and who your kids become is the most important valuable job you can do for the future of a civilized society. It's the mothers and fathers out there who shape and mold our lives and make this a better place to live if you fuck up your kids what does that say about you? Believe me I have no clue how it is I turned out so good because God knows my mother wasn't responsible. As a matter of fact I took on the mother role to my siblings and mother it was always me ready to help or to fix things or offer a shoulder to cry on, it is me they usually come to for advice and help and to clean up their messes. That was one reason I wasn't in any hurry to procreate, but when I did I stepped up and became the mother I always fantasised I wish I had. My kids are grown now but I still am close to them all and they don't hesitate to ask for advice or help, and my grandchildren are all close and very special to me. So how could I not become the best mother?
Then again I didn't plan on or have a burning desire to become a mother, and I see it as a huge blessing just gravy. Sex before this man was never satisfying I thought it was nothing special and actually boring, just something you do because that's what guys wanted. Boy was I wrong! After all it was the orgasms oh the orgasms! that really shaped my future and gave me the loving caring family I always wished I had. Who would ever think having sex with the person you love would result in having the life you always wanted and dreamed of having and all it took was the orgasms. Oh the orgasms! Not very much mom stuff today, but you have to start somewhere.Next time. Keep it real, have faith, and stay safe. Until next time.