Well it took a little less time but I did figure out how to get back on this sight all by myself this time. Yea me! I know to most people this seems like no big deal, but believe me it is a great big deal to me. And I'm sure some people might be thinking what an idiot this person is, well I have to admit sometimes I feel like an idiot, but really I am fairly smart, or at least that is what I tell myself. I'm sure many people have those moments where they feel look think they really are idiots, but I can do many things all by myself ,and there are times when I can't, and then there is the help me because I really don't want to do things myself and hey if I can get it done for me because I'm a halfway cute female then just how dumb am I?
Of course it doesn't take most females long to figure out how to get things done or given to them just because they are good looking, and the ones who are seriously hot know how to work it early on. Now that doesn't mean all females think that, but lets face it socieity puts a premium on looks and the hotter you appear to be the more opportunities seem to come your way. Hey I know it's not fair but I don't make the rules. And sometimes that works against you if you go through life thinking everything should be handed to you simpily because of your looks well then you sometimes end up an old my she must have been stunning when she was younger with no skills and not very successful. In other words you end up in the not so up scale hangouts hoping to catch some low rent blue collar laborers eye living meager paycheck to meager paycheck in the hopes of making next months rent, or even gas and cigarette money. Thinking you hit the jackpot and wondering how you ended up here when you had everything going for you when you were younger. I've seen so many young girls and women with that mindset and for that matter these days guys too. It makes me wonder about the state of our future and where we are going to end up in this world. So many young people have that the world owes mentality it makes me fear for the future of my granchildren, and for my boys as well. Though two of them are married to beautiful smart women who want more out of life than to be taken care of, and the youngest one I think will be just fine also,but my grandsons are in for a landmine of trouble when they start dating. My beautiful granddaughter on the other hand I don't have many worries about at the age of three she already seems like she will have them wrapped around her little finger,and she seems like if you don't do it her way there will be hell to pay! I see it already when she is with her dad and her papa.Of course if her parents had anything to say about her dating she wouldn't be allowed to date until she was thirty! I've told her mother as much as she wants that it won't happen! She will be shuing away the boys in kindergarten. Your kids always grow up and sometimes they don't make the smartest of choices, and they will break your heart, but thats as it should be.
One of the happiest days of my life was when my first son was born, and then of course my other two sons were more happy days and then when my first beautiful grandson was born oh happy day. Grandkids are so much more wonderful than your kids. Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death and I love my daughter-in-laws I must have done something right because my boys picked the best women. I'm sure they don't think their parents had anything to do with it,but I'd like to think we had something to do with it. Anyway there are so many pitfalls to childhood and dating, but seriously I think childhood and the oppisite sex are a calkwalk compared to being a mother. And all you mothers know what a hard thankless job that is. I don't think anything prepares you for that job, and it is a very hard important job. I mean you can only give your children the love and care and the ability to make smart choices, but you can't make them take those smart choices at least not until they are of age. And then hell all you can do is pray and hope you did a good job.I know I'm not perfect, and I made mistakes but overall my kids are smart successful men. These days the fact that none of them have been in prison or even fimaliar with the justice system, and aren't druggies means I've done my job fairly decent. And really thats all you can ask for.
Of course if I had my way my boys would have waited until middle age before they got married I mean life is short, but also it's a long time to be married when you start so young.I know because I was married to their father just out of my teens. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and am so thankful that we somehow managed to stay married for thirty one years, but lets face it I sure wasn't fully cooked and believe me neither was my husband, and it has caused alot of problems. I didn't know who I was or what my life was all about I did want to be an attorney and I figured I would be a single mother coming from a single parent household,but somehow life got in the way, and that never happened. Not that I care about that anymore. I know my husband was a big cause of my failure. He is only a day younger than I am, and had a very different view of how a wife and mother was suppossed to act. I at times I was insane trying to please him in that June Cleaverish sort of way, while he was basically living the life of the single guy. It caused so many problems and had a huge affect on my self esteem, and being able to persue a degree never fit into his agenda. So I made sure I was the best mom I could be and still try to be the best mom ever. But my whole adult life has been trying to please my man and before I knew it my kids are grown and I'm what? wondering where time has gone and what now? It hasn't been the best of marriages and I blamed or was blamed for the state of it all. There were good moments and the sex was and is always good I believe that's what kept me hanging on and oh yea I had no shills except as a mom so I felt I was stuck. I mean how would I ever be able to support my kids by myself with no marketable skills. At times I was convinced I was crazy I mean after all according to my husband everything was my fault. And I do mean everything. So I tried harder. Until I finally woke up pushing forty and realized It wasn't me. I spent so many years beating myself up and trying to do better. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure it out. Believe me by the time I was turning fifty I had finally had enough. Oh we went to many different therapists over the years and the verdict was always the same. I was told I needed to leave this man because he would never see anybodies point of veiw but his own. You can imagine how that went over they were always declared to be quacks and we never went back. I finally decided I would rather be homeless than to be treated like I had been, and I was more afraid of dying living this way than to to be homeless. We may have been married but I felt like a single mom without the single mom benifits. It's a sucky way to grow up and it's a sucky way to go through life. Finally I gave him an ultimatium either we try therapy one last time or we split up. Fortunalty he decided really try. We went through a few therapist all saying the same thing and finally finally we found one who listened and gave us an answer. My husband was diagonised with a personality disorder. It may seem like no big deal, but I'm here to tell you it truly is. And best of all I had someone telling me I wasn't crazy! What a weight that was. Basically everything is about him and his needs and wants. He was very controlling and very isolating, and very verbally abusive try that for thirty years and see how you feel.Of course staying with him that long makes me a little crazy, but I felt for my kids sake I was stuck. You do whatever you need to to keep your kids safe and cared for.Growing up with a mom who basically was the same made me a perfect canidate I might as well had a neon target plastered to my forehead, so it probably wouldn't have mattered if it was my husband or some other nan it was going to happen, but the sex, oh the sex is the best. I'm sure you are probably thinking how much did I really have tocompare it to, but I started early and maybe and I did get married the first time at sixteen, just to escape my abusive childhood and had several partners before and after that first marriage, and believe me you know when its that good.
It was such a pardiox how can one person make you feel bad about yourself and so good at the same time? Everybody says being with the same partner so long that after awhile the sex becomes boring, but thats not exactly true. At least not in my case. The sex might not be as frequent but it is still great. That's what kept me going at least I was doing something right for this man, and I knew I was good at it. He made me want to do good. And I thought if I could rock his world then at least he wouldn't cheat on me. All my friends have been cheated on, and I was determined that wasn't going to happen to me, whatever it took. He could treated me horribly, but he never cheated. Anyway my therapist said growing up with an abusive mom and being molested by a close family member, and my father abandoning us at a young age made it possible to end up in an abusive realtionship. It almost gaurenteed I would end up with an abusive man. Lets face it we all like the bad boys I had many chances with good caring men but none could hold me like this bad boy could.But then when you get to be my age those bad boys are just little boys having tantrums and acting out in their own childish little ways. It wears thin and you begin to realize they have no power over you. You just want peace. More on this later. Out for now -mom