boys

At times I think that boys were created to test us the opposite sex. I have raised three boys and really I think that boys are so much easier than girls to raise. Now I don't have any experience raising girls, but my friends have girls and I have a wonderful grand daughter, and I believe girls come out hormonal and boys just go with the flow at least while they are young. Girls don't hold their feelings in. When they are upset angry or happy whatever their emotions they freely express them, and they don't get over things as easy as boys or they have a tendency to hold on to things longer while boys think about it maybe act out but then they let it go, and are on to other things. At least that has been my experience. I sometimes think boys have been put here to test us. I think god is testing us women to see just how much we can handle before we eventually get to take over and run the world the right way. We tend to baby our boys while we encourage our girls to grow up and of course girls do. My grand daughter is growing up so fast encouraged to, and I love her to death. to me she will always be my little baby girl but she is four going on forty. While my grandson who I also love to death is one going on one! There is something about boys you just want to keep on babying and maybe it's because of the way they act. You just want to protect and shield. Don't get me wrong you want to protect and shield your daughters also but there is something about boys that you just find yourself going the extra distance. It's like we have given them permission to be irresponsible and childish while we expect our daughters to grow up and be responsible a whole lot earlier. I believe this is why in most households the women are not only working full time outside the house jobs, but then they also have full time jobs at home. It's no big secert that in this day and age we are still doing most of the daily taking care of the household and family chores. While our guys act like all they need to do is go to work and come home. Like that is all they need to do. This is our fault. Not that women don't complain about it but of course it falls on deaf ears, or they do chores so badly we quit asking for help, they really have it easy compared to the working mothers who are so overwhelmed. We baby them.As a society we allow them to get away with the childish behavior it isn't until they are well into middle age that they grow up. Not completely though. Maybe that's one reason girls usually date older boys ones they feel are closer to their age at least their mental age. now I know there are lots who act their age and they are exceptions to the norm, but not enough. the weird thing is the world is controlled by men and it almost feels if everything revolves around them. Don't believe me? Explain all the sports, or beer commericals, or all the sex and porn that has just gotten so mainstream it seems. Yes I think girls are being tested one day we will take over the world that's why we are such good mulitaskers. We have to be,otherwise who would raise the kids, or do the laundry, or cook the dinners? It's not like we want to do all those things all the time, we have been forced to in order to keep the order. What men don't seem to realize is that women find a man who can step up and share the day to day raising of the family way more sexier than one who plays video games for hours at a time. use your imagination you know what your guy does while you are taking care of family business. We allow them to get away with that behavior because we baby them. It's our nature. Now I need to go make dinner for mine!Boys will be boys after all!

living with abuse

I have so far not done really great with this blog thing,but I really want to make a serious go of it. I know some of the problems I've been having is I keep letting myself get distracted by my husband and his mental disorder. I seem to have been distracted by all his crap since day one of our relationship. I've been married thirty two years and it's been complete hell most times. his disorder has kept me so wound up with him I couldn't get my head out of it. Oh I tried, but when it's one shitty thing after another after awhile I just took it. i had three boys I was trying to raise,and coming from a single dirt poor mother who I'm pretty sure has the same disorder it's all I've known. I didn't want my boys to be raised the way I was. Always being made to feel i wasn't good enough and that really something was wrong with me, nobody would ever want me. I got that message one way or another every abusive day of my life. Oh I didn't know I was being emotionally abused that didn't occur to me until this many years later when I thought I was going crazy. My husband did a great job of convincing me I was the one who had the problem and I owned it. I did everything I could to make things better, but nothing I did helped things stayed the same. I wanted to leave so many times I tried so many times to get a degree so I could leave and support my boys, but somehow every time I set it up or made arrangements so I could go my husband stopped me one way or another. Mostly through my kids. I had tons of low paying back breaking crap ass jobs. Oh I was good enough to do that, but not good enough to better myself no matter how I tried. Like I said through my kids. I would come home late at night from some crap job, and my house would be a wreak, dishes filled the sink, toys all over the place just stuff every where. It would irritate me, but it was my kids who i would get up for school the next morning to find my kids in the same clothes i had dressed them in the day before absolutely filthy dirty, no homework done nothing taken care of that you would expect from you spouse. Yes that was bad and very irritating, but when I would get the credit card bills they were outrageously high because he was charging movies, pizza, beer, snacks, all kinds of things. The last straw was when I found out he was entertaining his friends every night letting his kids run wild not watching them at all. That would be when I would have to give up my crap jobs to protect my kids. And of course that would strain our budget. It was difficult ,but I felt like I had no choice. So we did without lots of things, but not him he made sure he had his money to party with. That got old too every night I never knew if he was coming home after work or if we wouldn't see him for a couple of days. It was a real strain believe me, and I was made to feel like somehow I was doing something wrong and would try something else to make it work. I did love him, and didn't realize until about five years ago it wasn't me that I was the victim of his abuse. Of course he was so sweet when people were around, so that they always thought he was such a great guy and I was so lucky to have him. Which again made me feel it was me, and I did everything I could To cover for him and make him look good instead of the ass he really was to me. Plus he didn't spend hardly anytime with his kids. He couldn't be bothered his friends were more important than his family. Yes I wanted to leave so many times, but he would promise he would do better and of course i thought if I did something different he would do better. Ha ha ha! Before I turned the big five o I told him we either get help or I was done. The kids are grown so I only have to worry about me, I can't do much to support myself but I didn't care. I just couldn't live this way anymore. So we went for help for the sixth or seventh time. That's when we found out he has a mental disorder and I wasn't crazy! That it had been him all along was such a relief for me. He has a passive aggressive personality disorder. It didn't mean much to me until I started looking up what it was and what the symptoms were. So much feel in place and was such a relief for me. Well I told him he had to admit to his boys what he had and what he had been doing to me, and he had to get help and make real progress or I was gone I can't take it anymore. I'll talk more about this disorder some other time.But now he has been in therapy for almost two years and still hasn't improved much. He doesn't throw his temper tantrums like a five year old like he used to whenever things didn't go his way, and he doesn't yell as often, but still everything is about him and what he wants I get told after the fact. We have never been partners. Isn't that sad? I sure think so, and so very embarrassing I can't believe this has been my life. I always thought I was a strong women,but clearly I'm not. Oh yes growing up with an abusive mother and being abused by my grandfather is the reason I have lived this way so long. I didn't realize I was being abused. I thought this was normal. It wasn't until my kids were gone and I wasn't spending all my time protecting them that things became clearer. Anyway now my goal is to get this going and become stronger. It's scary thinking of being on my own after all these years, and my back is so bad from all those crap ass jobs, plus busting my ass taking care of all the family things that I have no job and of course no training so I'm trying to become not so scared so I can make it on my own if he doesn't straighten up really fast. he says he loves me and he's sorry. You can't imagine how many times he has said that it means nothing to me anymore. When you are sorry you quit what you are doing to cause the problems and not repeat them over and over again. I guess I want this so bad I'm still hanging on, but I refuse to spend what life I have left with a man who is mean and cruel. I want some peace and happiness in my life and if I'm lucky, truly lucky love from a man who can love someone besides himself. Who's first thought isn't to hurt me anyway he can. We all deserve to be truly loved. I don't want to die knowing my whole life has served no purpose but to be abused. Now I'm just trying to save money I can squirrel away so I can leave. If I have to be alone for the rest of my life so I won't be abused so be it. But I truly hope he loves me enough to overcome this disorder, like he says he does. I want to believe that so bad,but it probably will never happen. If we had been rich, or if I had some way to take care of me I would have left with my kids long ago. For now I'm hopeful, but losing faith fast. If anyone out there is going through this or something abusive I would love to hear from you. Nobody I know understands this, so talking about it is hard and embarrassing. That's it for today except to say cherish your children, and if you experience anything in your relationship abusive don't stay I know easier said than done but for your own sanity figure it out get help or leave.

Be thankful

Wow! has it been a long time or what? This hasn't gone exactly how I planned, but I'm not going to give up on it. It's getting to be crunch time and I want to have at least some of my dreams realized. I have three boys all grown, and two daughter in laws that I am thankful love my sons, and four beautiful grandchildren. I have been married to the same man for close to thirty two years and I am thankful that our children who were no angels but have turned out be sucessful men fathers and husbands, they are fairly healthy normal men. It seems like yesterday I was changing diapers and doing late night feedings. Your kids grow so fast and before you know it they are changing diapers and loosing sleep due to late night feedings themselves! You get the picture.This has been just a little hello and reminder to appericate your children and your significant other take one day at a time and enjoy every minute you get with your family. Some days are better than others and some days you don't want to end. So take a minute and count your blessings, and save that memory for later. Also let your children know you appericate them, and are thankful to be a part of their life. This is such a positive for both your child and you, and will become the reinforcement that helps shape the outlook your children carry through their life. So hug your child ,thank your child for being their self, you will be rewarded with successful positive productive members of our community. They will thank you.

Wow! I haven't been on for a month. I really need to start getting serious about this blogging thing. Of course my new laptop really makes it nicer and funner to work on ,so I can see myself doing this more. Thank you honey. Well it's that time of year when we run all over town looking for that perfect gift for our loved ones making ourselves crazy, only to have find they have changed their minds, or it's not the right size, color, style, and so on and so on. You get the point. Every year I ask myself why am I not prepared and why do I do this to myself? Christmas has become so commercialized that I think we loose sight of the reason for the season. I'm not religious, but even I sometimes feel resentful that big business has over commercialized us and has made us feel like if we don't fullfil our loved ones wants and wishes we are not only neglectful unfeeling parents, and spouses, but that we just don't care if they are happy and their unhappiness is all because we didn't buy them that one thing that would make their complete, and dare I say it? We don't really even love them! It's bad enough our children and spouses can make us feel guilty, but when we are slamed with so many commericals everywhere I mean go into a public restroom and most likely you will see some type of advertisement either plastered on the walls, but on the walls of the stalls too. I don't know about you, but I feel like I should be able to pee without being subjected to yet more sale ads. We are so over commercialized we don't blink when we pay ten bucks a ticket and forty dollars for popcorn, and then have to endure thirty minutes worth of commercials. Where is our outrage that we watch twenty minutes of commericals for every sixtey minutes of programming on our big screen t.v.s, or all the sports stadiums have become the frito lay or the viagria bowl, or that the bottom half of our t.v. screens are constancely scrolling one advertisement after another while we try not to be destracted so much we can't enjoy whatever program we are trying to watch. Why have we as a people allowed our congress to give the green light for big business to bombard our every waking moment to the point that we feel as if our lives will be so much better if we just buy that next newer improved more expensive sparkely thing, only to discover we aren't any happier or better off than we were when we were led to believe our lives would be so much better than before we bought whatever. Why have we not expressed our discontent with this over the top hard sales tactics and demanded congress reregulate the amount of time and spaces big bussiness can be allowed to advertise. I feel the amount of commerical advertising is the reason everyone is so much more stressed than we would be with just a plain old recession. After all, how can we not be stressed when we have fewer jobs and more and more commericals telling us we are failures if we don't purchase whatever the flavor of the day is? How is it congress has turned a blind eye are never subjected to non stop advertising? does it not bother them? Or do they all have so much money they would never feel like failures when they can't obtain the hottest sold out everywhere stand in line all night, get up in the wee hours thing we are convinced we can't live without? I'm sure they don't worry all they need to do is have their asstistants asstistant pick up the phone and call any business because they are on friendly terms what with all that money companies shovel in their bank accounts and their campaigns so they can shove their products down our thoarts twenty four seven. Now if you'll excuse me I need to get bak to the gas pump I think I

The dull life

I know it's been a long time since I've wrote anything and I think it's because I feel as if my life is so boring and dull these days, which is a phrase I never thought would come out of my mouth, but it seems it has. I don't know how it happened I have always been pretty lively and full of energy and full of life always been up to anything, but it seems that I have become more and more isolated over the years and so slowly that I didn't realize just how alone and isolated I've become. It sucks! You would think that it would be just the opposite of when my kids were little,you know you get stuck home because of childcare issues or just the amount of money it takes to raise them you know not much extra leftover after their needs,but no I was always busy with play dates or outings or sporting events. So I was always busy and then usually on the weekends we would entertain. There was always something going on mostly fun. The point is I had an active life. It all seemed to slowly change when we moved to this area. I didn't change,but I have never felt as if I fit in here.I am a pretty open minded liberal person and I guess here in the bible thumping south my personality isn't very accepted or understood. You know these people want to shove their religion and their rigid beliefs down your throat, and close minded to anything but their beliefs. I mean come on I might not believe in some of their ideals, but I'm not going to criticize or put someone down or tell them their wrong. I don't have a need to control everybody and force my opinions and beliefs on anyone. Think George Bush! I mean come on! He is a warmonger! All to avenge his poor daddy! What a schmuck! I mean how many innocent military personnel have been killed for this rat bastard? It was all a big lie and now every country in the world feels justified in doing the same to us. I am surrounded by people who see nothing wrong with this, but are outraged that Clinton got a blow job in the oval office! Come on! Like he is the only president that cheated? Not hardly! So needless to say I have been looked down upon by these far right wing elitist Republicans, and as you can imagine we don't have a whole lot in common. Or there is a lot of beer drinking cigarette smoking nascar people. What choices I have. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against any group of people, but it doesn't mean I want to hangout with them. Ever. So I guess that has been a lot of why I am leading a dull boring life. I don't seem to be able to break it though.I am not the type of person to join a group to share feelings I have taken classes to keep myself busy and have learned about design, but I didn't do it to get a job.I had to retire from my job because of physical pain. So really where do you meet people? It's not like I have a ton of money to do things with. As a matter of fact it has been so long since my husband got a raise(8years) even though management has been given raise after raise and after bonus. The people who keep the company running or flying twenty four seven always seem to be the ones who get screwed. Unions aren't what they used to be thanks in part from the government and in part the unions greed. I think it's important your kids are exposed to all kinds of different activities they were all involved in all sorts of sports and extra circular programs we always came up with the money, but somehow all our money goes to luxuries like food and electricity now, and things today are so exorbitant. But even taking classes I didn't really meet anyone I wanted to hang around with. I keep asking myself if my kids were in this situation what would I do? Then I think about all I did that worked for my kids, somehow it doesn't work for me. I keep telling myself if I lived somewhere else that's a little more laid back. Like the beach. I would have friends. At least I keep telling myself I would. It seems so much easier for my kids to make friends I guess because at a young age kids don't care about anything but their world so they don't force their beliefs or make you feel less than them. I never stayed in one place growing up long enough to really make friends long term. It's funny that now that I have been living in one place I can't make any real friends no matter how much I try I have acquaintances but no real true friends. So that's why I live a dull life I never thought it would happen I'm a fun person mostly, but the older I get the more I don't feel like trying, but I don't want to be dull and boring either! What to do what to do. But even if I am dull and boring I am going to try to write more often I know I have lots of stories some funny from the past when my kids and I grew up together. Make sure you give your children lots of opportunities to experience different things and expand their little minds. And appreciate your friends for who they are and if you are lucky enough to have a least one really good friend hang on to them. They make life not so dull and boring!

Well it's been a long time since I've wrote anything so I thought it was time. I sometimes feel as if my life is so boring and banal that I feel as if I really don't have anything anybody wants to hear about. Although my life hasn't always been this dull actually my life was filled with so much life sometimes wonder how I even survived. Raising three boys and really four if you count my husband which I do! Well you can imagine how full and hectic my life was for the better part of twenty five years. You can't raise three boys cart them to all their activities work full time maintain the house and keep the family together as best as you can and be dull and boring. I always dreamed of having a family of my own and knew that if I had the chance I would do whatever it took to have a real loving close family life. Family has always been important to me I guess because my own family life growing up was so dysfunctional. people throw that word around not really knowing or experiencing what dysfunction really is. It seems to have become a catchall phrase to explain or describe events or relationships that haven't gone as smoothly as they imagined. And I probably am guilty of that also, but truly if anyone has experienced dysfunction it has been me. I mean having a father who abandoned me, a grandfather who molested me frequently, and a mother who beat the crap out of me with whatever and whenever she felt like it, who also moved dozens of times which now I recognize as her running away from herself, who also put me down anytime she felt like it , which was often.
Now that I'm grown and many years out of that family life I see that my mother was so angry with the way her life was turning out that she took all that anger and rage out on my brother sister and I. We were here punching bag because we had to live with her. I see now that the older I got the more abusive she got I believe because to her I was her competition. Yes I was curvy and I had been told most of my life I was pretty. To her I was a threat for attention from men. Which explains why she was always flirty and touchy feely with any boy I brought home. It was very embarrassing but what could I do? Eventually I quit bringing home boys. Anyway I never had much of a childhood I was told at five years of age that now that my parents were divorced I was expected to help my mother with anything she needed help with. That was a huge responsibility for a five year old. Really what ended up happening was me being responsible for maintaining the welfare of my family. Something really to lay on a five year old don't you think? Of course my older sister was supposed to help too, but my mother never went to her one on one to tell her she needed to help out also. I think now the reason she didn't was she couldn't manipulate and make her feel guilty or bad for her situation. And then my brother wasn't expected to do anything because he was the only boy then there was my little sister who was the other golden child she was the baby why should she have to do anything. So there I was at the ripe old age of five trying my hardest to maintain a clean house not easy when four other people living there never cleaned up after themselves. My older sister was supposed to help but she didn't give a damn about the family or our house so it was very rare she did anything except on Sundays when she couldn't get out of helping to do the laundry. My mother would drop us off at the laundromat with a weeks worth of dirty clothes for five people. Can you imagine how much laundry that is? Every week we did ten loads. If we were lucky my mother would pick us up, but most times we had to lug all that laundry home across a couple of big fields. I dreaded Sundays. It was so hard trying to keep everyone happy and put together. Somehow I turned into the mother cooking cleaning laundry. If my mother didn't like how something was done I paid hell for it being called names cursing telling me how stupid I was and usually by the time she was done ranting and raving she would start hitting. I really am surprised she didn't kill one of us. I choose to believe god was protecting my siblings and I. Yes that was what my childhood consisted of. That same year I found out there was no Santa when by Christmas eve we didn't even have a tree I was worried Santa wouldn't even come so I couldn't sleep at all. When I heard a noise I tipped toed out to the living room hoping to catch a glimpse of Santa when instead there was my mother decorating a tree branch she had stuck in a can. Well I was disappointed there was no Santa.
Instead of my mother being understanding about my disappointment in Santa she got pissed started yelling and made me stay up and do the dishes. Some mother huh? I remember I felt bad for my mother because I had spoiled her surprise and ended up apologizing to her over and over again while I did dishes. I have been trying to forget my childhood since my childhood.That's why family life was the most important thing I could do for my kids.
I tried to be the best mom ever, I know I wasn't perfect and I know I made lots of mistakes, but I tried so hard to give my kids the happy childhood I never had and to give them the one I imagined family life should be. I worked my ass off I had three boys by the time I was twenty seven and had already been married eight years. My whole adult life has been raising a family and putting my needs on hold. I also had no chance to find myself or what it was I wanted to be when I grew up. And really I had spent my whole life raising a family. Except this time it was my very own family not one I got because my parents didn't want to take responsibility for the mess of a family they created. There was no way I wasn't going to take care of my family the way they deserved to be taken care of. I always read to my kids every night before bed. I think it's so important to connect with your kids and reading to them is one way to connect so I read to them every night and usually sometime during the day also. Reading helps kids explore and understand the world around them, also it helps develop their vocabulary and their intellect there sense of adventure, and pretend. Also if you're lucky it instills the love of reading. of course I read to my kids so I could connect with them and discover what their interests are their likes and dislikes. To let them feel their importance love and caring I felt for them. I wanted my children to feel safe and secure knowing there was at least one person in their life who wanted and enjoyed being with them. I believe parents should not just mom but dad too should take at least a few minutes everyday to read to their kids. I actually feel that it is so important to read to your child on a daily basis until they believe they are too old to be read to. That's one very important thing to do to connect with your child. So parents please read to your children every chance you get. You might think of it as one more chore you don't have time for, but trust me your kids grow up so fast that you only have a small window of time to enjoy them because after they are grown all you have is the great memories left of that part of their lives. It is one chance you have to have a positive influence on them. So do your part to help them become productive members of society. Do your part to instill a sense of learning and adventure in their lives. Do your part to instill a sense of security and love. After all how much more secure can they feel sitting in your lap or snuggled up in bed while you give them the sense of importance with your undivided attention? This is part of a formula to give your children a feeling of well being and self a sense of their importance and a sense of belonging to a family unit and what their part in the family is. So read to your kids and tuck them in every night let them feel how much love you have for them and that they matter that their part of the family is what makes the family the great one it is, and that the family just wouldn't be the same without their participation in it. Believe me the time and love you invest in your children will come back to you tenfold, and will also reflect in the kind of person they grow into. It's such a small thing to do but becomes a huge benefit for you and your child. So parents read to your babies every chance you get. I know I know you would love to but just don't have the time. Yes you do this is too important to blow off and ignore. If you read age appropriate books you will have the time. Most importantly before you buy or checkout a book browse through it and make sure it doesn't have very many words on each page. That's the secert to successfully reading to your child. Books that have tons of words on each page will end up becoming something to be dreaded by you and your child. And very frustrating to say the least. Children have very little attention spans so choose books wisely. It's one easy enjoyable way to show your love and to help you unwind and destress from the days highs and lows. So parents listen up and take the time to read to your child everyday share yourself your kids didn't ask to be here and if you don't care enough to invest your time care and love to your child who will care? If you don't the next thing you know your child will write a scathing tell all book where you are the cause for everything that goes wrong in their life. And really your children have the capacity to bring out the guilt you feel anyway, and really who needs that? Well that's all for now. Until next time take time each day to appericate, enjoy, love and share a little bit of yourself with your children. You are investing in yours and their future. Good Luck and Enjoy. Until next time mom knows best

Boy this just keeps getting easier and easier!
So I found myself married and pregnant. Since my new husband lived in the barracks we found a place together. Which slowly became my nightmare instead of it being a happy time for me. What new bride doesn't look forward to their very own place? You know nesting, or decorating. Making the place your very own for your growing little family.Oh no not for me. I mean is it too much to ask for a little happiness? I don't know how it happened (I suspect my husband had something to do with it), but the next thing I know my mother and younger sister had not only moved in, but my mother had the master suite, and my husband and I were in what was to be the nursery! And if that wasn't enough to deal with my husband didn't want to grow up. I never knew if he was coming home for dinner or if he was going to stay out playing with the boys! And there is my mother not paying a dime, and acting like it's her house! She tried to make the rules, she all of a sudden starts cooking all these great dinners.Hell I was shocked she never cooked like that when I was growing up, I guess she was trying to impress my husband enough that this was one of her little games to win him for herself. I mean she kept making fun of me or saying mean things to me and about me. I think my husband saw that he could take advantage of me my self esteem was almost non existent and I was a loving caring wife I liked taking care of him, but he abused that by expecting it, and using my kindness to manipulate me. He didn't need to take lessons from my mother he was as good and even better than her, I just wanted to please him. Well you can imagine the situation was just another chapter of how shitty my life has been thus far. If I wasn't pregnant and looking forward to my baby, and taking off from work too I would have lost it altogether, I just tried harder and harder to please my husband. I wanted my son to grow up with a dad, and I thought if he saw how good I was maybe he would want to spend time with me instead of always hanging out with his buddies, or at least let me hang out with him and his friends too. But no that never happened.
Well after three months of living with mother we went and rented a place of our own. We moved in and left my mother in the other place. Well she had to get a job oh my! So I'm thinking now we have our very own place. Now things will get better. HA HA! We rented a so so apartment in a four plex and it had a killer balcony where we could sit and enjoy the pacific. Now if only my husband would grow up. Oh he would promise he would instead our house became the party house. Not because I wanted it but what was he supposed to do? Turn his friends away? That would be just rude! By that time I'm trying every thing I can think of to please my husband. He let me know all the time he couldn't wait for me to have the baby because then I wouldn't be fat. Or he would comment about what I ate. He would make comments about my cleaning skills. Meanwhile I'm a cashier standing on my feet eight hours a day, riding the bus to and from work because my husband couldn't be bothered, and he would let his buddies drive the car whenever not even caring if I needed to get to the Dr's. or grocery store. I would get off the bus exhausted and walk home only to walk in to a raging party, with the smell of beer permeating everything and the music blasting. Oh lucky me!Can you imagine just how bad I felt about myself? Oh I got I'm sorry all the time but he would do it again and tell me it's my fault somehow. it's my fault he lies to me it's my fault he parties all the time it's my fault when he doesn't come home. I tried harder. I didn't have friends he didn't like them I couldn't have money we couldn't afford for me to blow it. never mind he's buying cigarettes, beer, fast food, drugs. I was sad,but I still didn't feel trapped, and I kept trying harder. Meanwhile, I'm getting fatter and fatter and hardly eating because I was fat. And then if things couldn't get any worse for me my mother moved into the apartment right next door! I couldn't enjoy my balcony now. Otherwise my mother would come over and that didn't even stop her. By that time my husband was getting out of the marines, and my due date was fast approaching. In between his job and the due date my mother unbeknown to me was talking up how wonderful it is in Michigan. He's from Arizona so of course he thinks it sounds like paradise, by the time I found out he was already convinced. I begged and begged for him not to listen but my mother apparently has more influence and more importance than me.When New Years came around I was two days from my due date. I thought we would spend our first New Years together, but once again I couldn't go I was due anytime. But I promise I will be home way before midnight. That was very hurtful and was the start of my feeling of being trapped.Because of course he didn't make it home until three in the a.m. He ruined our very first New Years never to get it back. I'm sure most people remember their first one with their special someone. I've just got pain, and a husband who thinks more of my mother than he does for me. How the hell did this happen, and why can I never just have a loving family life? Really is this what life has in store for me. I've been kicked around since birth, what's wrong with me? That's how you feel when you have nothing and no one who cares for you, when your self esteem is non existent. It must be me there must be something wrong with me otherwise why is it I keep getting hurt? Why does nobody love me?Am I a really bad person? I didn't think so I try to help out when people need it I try to be nice, caring giving loving. What am I doing wrong? It wasn't until much later and much mental abuse that I found out it's not me.
Well my mother's truck blew an engine, and my husband just sold the car, and our lease was up!Not good.So instead of taking it as a sign my husband and mother decided to put everything in storage and take a bus for three days until we get to Michigan. I begged and pleaded with him. I kept telling him I'm due any day, and my mother isn't telling the truth. Michigan isn't all that it's nothing like how she makes it sound. He just blew me off and dismissed me. By this time I really wanted out. I knew my husband was never going to grow up and be a part of the family. I was so trapped, but kept trying to to be a good wife. So the day after New Years there we were putting all our stuff in storage. And neither my husband or my mother thought enough of me to let me take it easy. Here I was big and due that day feeling crappy having swollen feet, a backache, cramps. I was miserable, but I kept lifting and hauling and moving. Well you know where this is going. Of course I went in labor. My night was miserable, not only was I absolutely exhausted, but of course I started labor. All night long my back hurt so bad, and I had the worst cramps ever. I didn't sleep at all, and I was worried maybe it wasn't labor and if I ask to go to the hospital and it was gas or false labor, I knew my husband would be really mad. Plus we were sleeping on a floor of one of our neighbors house and I didn't want to cause problems in someone Else's house, so I suffered all night while everyone slept. I prayed alot and I cried tons I was at my lowest I didn't have a car or even a house for my baby to come home to. We had to borrow a car to get to the hospital. Yes I was in labor thank god it wasn't false otherwise I would be in trouble. I was in labor all day long, and finally my baby came a beautiful baby boy! I was so happy and fell in love immediately. When my mother came to the hospital I asked her to go look at my prefect baby. To which she said I'm not here to see him I don't know him I came to see you. We are catching a bus to go home. With that she left. So there I was with a husband who wouldn't grow up. We had no place to go to and no car, no baby stuff. My baby saved my life.We ended up staying with some of his friends for a week. I have since then learned to pick my battles, and to stand up for myself. Well I've said enough for today, but here's a parenting tip which will save a lot of grief. Pick your battles with your kids things that don't seem important to you might be the most important to them. And you can never love your kids enough so show love every chance you get. Til next time mom knows best.