Boy this just keeps getting easier and easier!
So I found myself married and pregnant. Since my new husband lived in the barracks we found a place together. Which slowly became my nightmare instead of it being a happy time for me. What new bride doesn't look forward to their very own place? You know nesting, or decorating. Making the place your very own for your growing little family.Oh no not for me. I mean is it too much to ask for a little happiness? I don't know how it happened (I suspect my husband had something to do with it), but the next thing I know my mother and younger sister had not only moved in, but my mother had the master suite, and my husband and I were in what was to be the nursery! And if that wasn't enough to deal with my husband didn't want to grow up. I never knew if he was coming home for dinner or if he was going to stay out playing with the boys! And there is my mother not paying a dime, and acting like it's her house! She tried to make the rules, she all of a sudden starts cooking all these great dinners.Hell I was shocked she never cooked like that when I was growing up, I guess she was trying to impress my husband enough that this was one of her little games to win him for herself. I mean she kept making fun of me or saying mean things to me and about me. I think my husband saw that he could take advantage of me my self esteem was almost non existent and I was a loving caring wife I liked taking care of him, but he abused that by expecting it, and using my kindness to manipulate me. He didn't need to take lessons from my mother he was as good and even better than her, I just wanted to please him. Well you can imagine the situation was just another chapter of how shitty my life has been thus far. If I wasn't pregnant and looking forward to my baby, and taking off from work too I would have lost it altogether, I just tried harder and harder to please my husband. I wanted my son to grow up with a dad, and I thought if he saw how good I was maybe he would want to spend time with me instead of always hanging out with his buddies, or at least let me hang out with him and his friends too. But no that never happened.
Well after three months of living with mother we went and rented a place of our own. We moved in and left my mother in the other place. Well she had to get a job oh my! So I'm thinking now we have our very own place. Now things will get better. HA HA! We rented a so so apartment in a four plex and it had a killer balcony where we could sit and enjoy the pacific. Now if only my husband would grow up. Oh he would promise he would instead our house became the party house. Not because I wanted it but what was he supposed to do? Turn his friends away? That would be just rude! By that time I'm trying every thing I can think of to please my husband. He let me know all the time he couldn't wait for me to have the baby because then I wouldn't be fat. Or he would comment about what I ate. He would make comments about my cleaning skills. Meanwhile I'm a cashier standing on my feet eight hours a day, riding the bus to and from work because my husband couldn't be bothered, and he would let his buddies drive the car whenever not even caring if I needed to get to the Dr's. or grocery store. I would get off the bus exhausted and walk home only to walk in to a raging party, with the smell of beer permeating everything and the music blasting. Oh lucky me!Can you imagine just how bad I felt about myself? Oh I got I'm sorry all the time but he would do it again and tell me it's my fault somehow. it's my fault he lies to me it's my fault he parties all the time it's my fault when he doesn't come home. I tried harder. I didn't have friends he didn't like them I couldn't have money we couldn't afford for me to blow it. never mind he's buying cigarettes, beer, fast food, drugs. I was sad,but I still didn't feel trapped, and I kept trying harder. Meanwhile, I'm getting fatter and fatter and hardly eating because I was fat. And then if things couldn't get any worse for me my mother moved into the apartment right next door! I couldn't enjoy my balcony now. Otherwise my mother would come over and that didn't even stop her. By that time my husband was getting out of the marines, and my due date was fast approaching. In between his job and the due date my mother unbeknown to me was talking up how wonderful it is in Michigan. He's from Arizona so of course he thinks it sounds like paradise, by the time I found out he was already convinced. I begged and begged for him not to listen but my mother apparently has more influence and more importance than me.When New Years came around I was two days from my due date. I thought we would spend our first New Years together, but once again I couldn't go I was due anytime. But I promise I will be home way before midnight. That was very hurtful and was the start of my feeling of being trapped.Because of course he didn't make it home until three in the a.m. He ruined our very first New Years never to get it back. I'm sure most people remember their first one with their special someone. I've just got pain, and a husband who thinks more of my mother than he does for me. How the hell did this happen, and why can I never just have a loving family life? Really is this what life has in store for me. I've been kicked around since birth, what's wrong with me? That's how you feel when you have nothing and no one who cares for you, when your self esteem is non existent. It must be me there must be something wrong with me otherwise why is it I keep getting hurt? Why does nobody love me?Am I a really bad person? I didn't think so I try to help out when people need it I try to be nice, caring giving loving. What am I doing wrong? It wasn't until much later and much mental abuse that I found out it's not me.
Well my mother's truck blew an engine, and my husband just sold the car, and our lease was up!Not good.So instead of taking it as a sign my husband and mother decided to put everything in storage and take a bus for three days until we get to Michigan. I begged and pleaded with him. I kept telling him I'm due any day, and my mother isn't telling the truth. Michigan isn't all that it's nothing like how she makes it sound. He just blew me off and dismissed me. By this time I really wanted out. I knew my husband was never going to grow up and be a part of the family. I was so trapped, but kept trying to to be a good wife. So the day after New Years there we were putting all our stuff in storage. And neither my husband or my mother thought enough of me to let me take it easy. Here I was big and due that day feeling crappy having swollen feet, a backache, cramps. I was miserable, but I kept lifting and hauling and moving. Well you know where this is going. Of course I went in labor. My night was miserable, not only was I absolutely exhausted, but of course I started labor. All night long my back hurt so bad, and I had the worst cramps ever. I didn't sleep at all, and I was worried maybe it wasn't labor and if I ask to go to the hospital and it was gas or false labor, I knew my husband would be really mad. Plus we were sleeping on a floor of one of our neighbors house and I didn't want to cause problems in someone Else's house, so I suffered all night while everyone slept. I prayed alot and I cried tons I was at my lowest I didn't have a car or even a house for my baby to come home to. We had to borrow a car to get to the hospital. Yes I was in labor thank god it wasn't false otherwise I would be in trouble. I was in labor all day long, and finally my baby came a beautiful baby boy! I was so happy and fell in love immediately. When my mother came to the hospital I asked her to go look at my prefect baby. To which she said I'm not here to see him I don't know him I came to see you. We are catching a bus to go home. With that she left. So there I was with a husband who wouldn't grow up. We had no place to go to and no car, no baby stuff. My baby saved my life.We ended up staying with some of his friends for a week. I have since then learned to pick my battles, and to stand up for myself. Well I've said enough for today, but here's a parenting tip which will save a lot of grief. Pick your battles with your kids things that don't seem important to you might be the most important to them. And you can never love your kids enough so show love every chance you get. Til next time mom knows best.