living with abuse

I have so far not done really great with this blog thing,but I really want to make a serious go of it. I know some of the problems I've been having is I keep letting myself get distracted by my husband and his mental disorder. I seem to have been distracted by all his crap since day one of our relationship. I've been married thirty two years and it's been complete hell most times. his disorder has kept me so wound up with him I couldn't get my head out of it. Oh I tried, but when it's one shitty thing after another after awhile I just took it. i had three boys I was trying to raise,and coming from a single dirt poor mother who I'm pretty sure has the same disorder it's all I've known. I didn't want my boys to be raised the way I was. Always being made to feel i wasn't good enough and that really something was wrong with me, nobody would ever want me. I got that message one way or another every abusive day of my life. Oh I didn't know I was being emotionally abused that didn't occur to me until this many years later when I thought I was going crazy. My husband did a great job of convincing me I was the one who had the problem and I owned it. I did everything I could to make things better, but nothing I did helped things stayed the same. I wanted to leave so many times I tried so many times to get a degree so I could leave and support my boys, but somehow every time I set it up or made arrangements so I could go my husband stopped me one way or another. Mostly through my kids. I had tons of low paying back breaking crap ass jobs. Oh I was good enough to do that, but not good enough to better myself no matter how I tried. Like I said through my kids. I would come home late at night from some crap job, and my house would be a wreak, dishes filled the sink, toys all over the place just stuff every where. It would irritate me, but it was my kids who i would get up for school the next morning to find my kids in the same clothes i had dressed them in the day before absolutely filthy dirty, no homework done nothing taken care of that you would expect from you spouse. Yes that was bad and very irritating, but when I would get the credit card bills they were outrageously high because he was charging movies, pizza, beer, snacks, all kinds of things. The last straw was when I found out he was entertaining his friends every night letting his kids run wild not watching them at all. That would be when I would have to give up my crap jobs to protect my kids. And of course that would strain our budget. It was difficult ,but I felt like I had no choice. So we did without lots of things, but not him he made sure he had his money to party with. That got old too every night I never knew if he was coming home after work or if we wouldn't see him for a couple of days. It was a real strain believe me, and I was made to feel like somehow I was doing something wrong and would try something else to make it work. I did love him, and didn't realize until about five years ago it wasn't me that I was the victim of his abuse. Of course he was so sweet when people were around, so that they always thought he was such a great guy and I was so lucky to have him. Which again made me feel it was me, and I did everything I could To cover for him and make him look good instead of the ass he really was to me. Plus he didn't spend hardly anytime with his kids. He couldn't be bothered his friends were more important than his family. Yes I wanted to leave so many times, but he would promise he would do better and of course i thought if I did something different he would do better. Ha ha ha! Before I turned the big five o I told him we either get help or I was done. The kids are grown so I only have to worry about me, I can't do much to support myself but I didn't care. I just couldn't live this way anymore. So we went for help for the sixth or seventh time. That's when we found out he has a mental disorder and I wasn't crazy! That it had been him all along was such a relief for me. He has a passive aggressive personality disorder. It didn't mean much to me until I started looking up what it was and what the symptoms were. So much feel in place and was such a relief for me. Well I told him he had to admit to his boys what he had and what he had been doing to me, and he had to get help and make real progress or I was gone I can't take it anymore. I'll talk more about this disorder some other time.But now he has been in therapy for almost two years and still hasn't improved much. He doesn't throw his temper tantrums like a five year old like he used to whenever things didn't go his way, and he doesn't yell as often, but still everything is about him and what he wants I get told after the fact. We have never been partners. Isn't that sad? I sure think so, and so very embarrassing I can't believe this has been my life. I always thought I was a strong women,but clearly I'm not. Oh yes growing up with an abusive mother and being abused by my grandfather is the reason I have lived this way so long. I didn't realize I was being abused. I thought this was normal. It wasn't until my kids were gone and I wasn't spending all my time protecting them that things became clearer. Anyway now my goal is to get this going and become stronger. It's scary thinking of being on my own after all these years, and my back is so bad from all those crap ass jobs, plus busting my ass taking care of all the family things that I have no job and of course no training so I'm trying to become not so scared so I can make it on my own if he doesn't straighten up really fast. he says he loves me and he's sorry. You can't imagine how many times he has said that it means nothing to me anymore. When you are sorry you quit what you are doing to cause the problems and not repeat them over and over again. I guess I want this so bad I'm still hanging on, but I refuse to spend what life I have left with a man who is mean and cruel. I want some peace and happiness in my life and if I'm lucky, truly lucky love from a man who can love someone besides himself. Who's first thought isn't to hurt me anyway he can. We all deserve to be truly loved. I don't want to die knowing my whole life has served no purpose but to be abused. Now I'm just trying to save money I can squirrel away so I can leave. If I have to be alone for the rest of my life so I won't be abused so be it. But I truly hope he loves me enough to overcome this disorder, like he says he does. I want to believe that so bad,but it probably will never happen. If we had been rich, or if I had some way to take care of me I would have left with my kids long ago. For now I'm hopeful, but losing faith fast. If anyone out there is going through this or something abusive I would love to hear from you. Nobody I know understands this, so talking about it is hard and embarrassing. That's it for today except to say cherish your children, and if you experience anything in your relationship abusive don't stay I know easier said than done but for your own sanity figure it out get help or leave.