Oh hey, it's been a long while since I've written. It's almost a reluctance of a sort. Always running through my mind is what can I write about? My life is so boring these days. And yet, I look back to when my kids were little and am amazed I survived! And then there is always my childhood I learned how to be a good mom growing up in a very abusive house. I can't call it a home because my ideal of home is at least one loving caring parent or guardian of sorts that wants to keep you safe and wants your life to be better than theirs, where they do whatever it takes to mold you into a successful intelligent caring giving compassionate morally responsible human being. I grew up with none of that. Because my childhood never was I vowed to be the best mother I could possibly be. I knew what not to do. I know on some levels my mother loved me, but on the whole she was angry and resentful. And she is the best manipulator. She could teach classes on how to evoke guilt in order to always get what you want. My oldest sister didn't fall prey to the guilt she took notes and excelled at it! And my younger brother was the only boy one of two golden child's I grew up with. Because he was the only boy he got away with whatever he did. He never had consequences by my mother, and when he got in trouble with the neighbors or the law the only consequence he received was from them not mom. He never got grounded. Well he did have consequences of a sort. Whenever he did something that had anything to do with her she would beat the holy shit out of him if he broke her stuff or if he embarrassed her anything that had to do with her. Then it was on, of course that happened to my older sister and myself on a more frequent basis sometimes almost daily. I'm not talking about a spank on the ass or a slap upside your head when I say she beat us I mean she BEAT us. Anything little would set her off. You can imagine we walked on eggshells. She would pick up anything handy a broom, a 2x4, a wire coat hanger, a wooden spoon, I have even been beat with my own wooden platform shoe! That really hurts when she is beating you in the head as hard as she can. And really trying to kill me literally. I was born with a disease and am blind in one eye, although you can't tell by looking at me, anyway my mother was told make sure to protect my head because if I got hit hard enough it would activate the disease and make me totally blind and would eat my brain. I didn't wear a helmet but I always tried to stay safe. I wasn't supposed to play contact sports. So when she goes straight for my head, which she didn't with my siblings, all I can assume is she is trying to kill me. She always went for my brother's crotch,and my older sister just got beat where it wouldn't show. I never realized I was living with such an evil mean person I think back and I realize my brother and sister and I were so lucky not to have been killed by her. Really someone up there was looking out for us. Nobody else gave a shit to help us. We should have been taken from her at the hospital. Family knew how she was treating us, and my aunt did pull her off us several different times, but she had her own challenges getting a divorce and raising her own children, and of course my aunts and uncles had their own lives to live. My grandparents were no help. Actually my grandfather was abusing us too. I think he started molesting us before we were five. My sister and I tried to tell my mother but we were called liars and beat for saying something bad about her beloved father. I grew up living in hell. And she threw us at my grandfather every chance she got. My mother was never involved in our lives it was all about her and what she wanted, and what we could do for her. So my vow was to do the total opposite of her mothering skills.
I met my husband passing through southern California, turns out we set up camp right outside camp pendelton one of the biggest marine bases in the U.S.. We were there so my mother would have some place to have her unemployment checks sent. We were moving from San Francisco where we had lived for a year. We were there because she wanted to see the old Victorian houses. And we had moved there from Texas where we had lived for two years because she had lived there in one of the many places growing up. My grandfather always had his family on the move crisscrossing the U.S.under the guise of looking for work (he was a carpenter) where there was the hugest building boom during that time he could have stayed in Michigan (where our family originates), and made a good life for his family and retire with a pension. But no he dragged them everywhere. I now believe he didn't stay in one place very long because his pedophilia would have came to light. In fact when he finally got busted my grandparents had finally retired and he had been living in Michigan several years beforehand he was ninety two at the time and it took his best friends granddaughter before anyone listened. By that time I was in my thirties. And to this day my grandmother apologizes every time she sees me.Of course my mother called my sister and I liars and were just saying that to hurt her feelings. See what I mean? It's all about her.Most people who know me can't believe I survived and am a normal person, well somewhat normal! I vowed when I had kids I would do whatever it took to give them a better life and show my love.
So there I was laying on the beach soaking up some rays minding my own business trying not to be stressed that we were homeless and broke. When I looked up my mother sister and I were surrounded by jarheads!The beach was empty and soothing one minute and the next wow!Of course my mother was thrilled and in fact I think we stopped there to camp by design! My mother always acted like a prude when in fact I found out later she would fuck whoever showed her attention! Anyway there I was surrounded by boys (I was all of nineteen) and not particularly interested in any of them and they of course were teasing me and threatening to throw me in the water, when I spied this really cute boy standing up on hill looking, but not coming down trying to get my attention, and he was really cute!I knew the minute I saw him he was the man I was going to marry. So I did something I never do I went up to him and asked him to go swimming with me! And he said yes! Of course he kept feeling me up under the pretense of protecting me from the big mean waves, but I didn't care he was so cute and sweet. That night we hung around the campfire and when it got cold I asked him if he wanted to share my blanket of course he said yes, and that was also the first time I smoked a joint in front of my mother, but somehow I wasn't afraid of my mother this man made made me feel safe. Something I had never felt before. And the sex! Oh the sex! He has been the only man who satisfied me in bed. What a bonus for me! Of course being married to this man has had challenges lots of challenges. I think I got pregnant that first time, which was a surprise since I hadn't been on birth control for years and never got pregnant so I figured there was a problem, but I wasn't to that place in my life where it was a concern, so boy was I surprised! and I didn't tell anyone until I was four months along. By then I knew I was spending the rest of my life with him and we had become friends, and the orgasm's oh the orgasms! Three four times a day! Believe me I was so relaxed and stress free which is saying a lot considering I was basically homeless. My stud took the pregnancy well. He asked me to marry him. To which I said no and I kept saying no I didn't want to marry him because I was pregnant I wanted to marry him because he loved me and don't forget the orgasms! Well I finally said yes and we have been together since then.I was thrilled I was pregnant and knew I would do whatever it took to be the best mom ever. I look back and wonder how my mother could have ever raised us the way she did. I would do anything to take care of my kids to protect them and give them a safe secure loving happy childhood how could anyone not love their own flesh and blood enough to raise them in a loving enviorment? I didn't want to be supermom but I wanted to get as close to that as possible.Although sometimes I do wear my big red S!
Becoming a mother is a huge undertaking and who your kids become is the most important valuable job you can do for the future of a civilized society. It's the mothers and fathers out there who shape and mold our lives and make this a better place to live if you fuck up your kids what does that say about you? Believe me I have no clue how it is I turned out so good because God knows my mother wasn't responsible. As a matter of fact I took on the mother role to my siblings and mother it was always me ready to help or to fix things or offer a shoulder to cry on, it is me they usually come to for advice and help and to clean up their messes. That was one reason I wasn't in any hurry to procreate, but when I did I stepped up and became the mother I always fantasised I wish I had. My kids are grown now but I still am close to them all and they don't hesitate to ask for advice or help, and my grandchildren are all close and very special to me. So how could I not become the best mother?
Then again I didn't plan on or have a burning desire to become a mother, and I see it as a huge blessing just gravy. Sex before this man was never satisfying I thought it was nothing special and actually boring, just something you do because that's what guys wanted. Boy was I wrong! After all it was the orgasms oh the orgasms! that really shaped my future and gave me the loving caring family I always wished I had. Who would ever think having sex with the person you love would result in having the life you always wanted and dreamed of having and all it took was the orgasms. Oh the orgasms! Not very much mom stuff today, but you have to start somewhere.Next time. Keep it real, have faith, and stay safe. Until next time.

Mommas boys

Well once again this evil box has frustrated me ,but finally I got it. Hopefully I won't have anymore problems with this possessed electronic machine. Nothing like having your kid teach you how to use something to make you feel like a complete idiot! I've been a mom for thirty years and a parenting teacher for six years before my retirement, and because of my background or maybe in spite of it I vowed I would be a way better mother than my mother was. Actually even growing up my siblings came to me for help so really I feel like I've been a mom all my life. And even now my friends and daughter-in-laws have asked for some insight and guidance. And I do feel honored when I can help them from potty training tips (make sure they are ready first forcing them will just frustrate and confuse them and stress you out) don't worry it might seem like they will always be in diapers but I assure you they always learn it. How many middle or high schoolers have you ever seen in a diaper? Unless it's a costume it doesn't happen. Although sometimes I think if you don't potty train your daughters you don't have to worry about her dating! guys well they are a different breed I think if they could get away with never training they would be just fine having a woman or mommy to take care of them.
I have three boys well really including dad I have four boys and there were times when I thought my house was always going to look and smell like the boys gym locker. Didn't matter how often I cleaned or sprayed you knew boys lived there! I really wanted a girl because their clothes were so much cuter and stylish,boys stuff tends to be stripes and subdued for the most part I used to go visit the girls section and leave crying I was never going to be going on shopping sprees, or get mani-pedis together or dress alike, or have slumber parties. I admit I was really bummed that all my friends had girls and my sisters too and they were always dressed cute. But I didn't feel bad or like I got gypped for long. No no no watching my friends with their daughters opened my eyes wide.I really believe girls are hormonal right from the womb ! I swear some have been pms-ing since birth! I dodged a huge ugly bullet. I do admit the only thing that still bums me out is when your kids get married the girls tend to stick closer to home and become closer to their moms while the boys end up with being closer to their in-laws only because their wives get closer to their moms. My grandma told me she has the same problem you have a daughter for life and only a son until he takes a wife! Boy is that really true! I have heard my friends or young women make comments about how they don't want their mother-in- laws how they are witches and they want to be around them as little as possible.I have tried not to be the interfering in law I've tried to be a great in law just like a try to be the best mom. Of course it helps that my sons picked great women who I cherish as much as I do my boys. I do know that my boys for the most part are mommas boys,but it's so hard not to make them that way there is just something about little boys they seem to be a little more needy than the girls and they really don't mature as fast. Of course my boys are great dads and providers, but no matter how old they get they still need to be nurtured more somehow.
Of course raising my boys still allowed me go on shopping sprees with them the clothes just aren't as cute. And they don't have slumber parties they have sleepovers, with scary movies and video games and lots of wrestling. And the only time we dressed alike was for pictures. I was raised with not much t.v. we couldn't afford it, and my mom hated sports. So I got on the job training. There were lots of things we did as a family that involved sports, games, teams superbowls, final fours basketball, world series, world cup soccer,stanly cup playoffs, midget wrestling, wrestlmania,midget throwing,the Olympics. And on and on. Raising boys didn't leave much time to pamper myself. When I finally painted my nails for the first time in years my youngest son got very upset because he thought I had something terribly wrong with my hands! It dawned on me at that time I wasn't giving them a true sense of what women are about. You know doing your hair or nails shopping in the women's section you know normal stuff women do for themselves. I was low mantiance for so long I didn't want them to think that women are all like that I know so many that are high mantiance. I didn't want them to be any more bewildered about women than most men are. So I started taking care of myself better you know I did my nails and went regularly to the salon for my hair. At first I felt guilty I was taking time away from them and money also, but then I remembered how I used to be before kids. I was pretty girlie. So the guilt didn't last. And it helped make me a better mom for it.
Now I have one granddaughter who is my little doppelganger, and fulfills that void of not having girls myself. I actually had fun the first time we played Barbies together. And wow! that bitch has everything!Barbies have come a long way since I was a little girl. And it was a welcome change to playing cars and trucks, or action figures G.I.Joe teenage muntant ninja-turtles he-man, or cowboys and indans. Although I admit my granddaughter had to help me get started, I had been blowing up ,crashing, wrestling toys for so long it took a bit to switch to girl stuff. And it's better than I imagined having a daughter would be. At the age of three she loves to shop and she loves to play dress up and she runs so good in heels sometimes I think I can learn from her!Plus When she starts pms-ing over something little I can help her or send her to mom or dad! I couldn't do that with my kids. Having kids is such a blessing and I am thankful mine are wonderful, but having grand kids is so much more joyful. I'm not stressed like I would sometimes get raising my boys. My house always seemed loud and busy, and wow the cleaning was never ending and the laundry came in mountains. Then of course you can imagine the amount of groceries and cooking I did. My guys are all meat and potatoes kinda guys so no t.v. dinners. I did my best to be June Cleaver while also working some job or another. I just didn't wear the heels and pearls while cleaning. That was saved for mom and dad time.Boy it was alot of work and I know that has contributed to my severe back problems. Since I didn't have the best role model on how to be a good mom or wife I made it up as I went along, and I went with what felt right for me. Yes I made lots of mistakes, and I still feel guilt about some parenting choices I made. I will always feel guilty when my three year old broke his collarbone and I didn't realize anything was wrong until the next day I beat myself up for a long time over that, I'm sure all moms have guilt concerning their kids. I still feel guilty leaving my child in daycare while potty training only to drop in and see all the kids lined up watching my child on the potty. I will never forget the horrified look on his face because everyone was watching him. Of course I never took him back to daycare and I made sure my husband and I had different shifts so we could avoid the whole daycare guilt moms seem to feel. So in effect I was a stay at home mom and went to work when they were winding down for bed. I'm so glad I was able to have that I know lots of single and married moms don't have that luxury.
While it was great for me and my kids at the same time my kids have grown up expecting stay at home wives, and anymore it's almost impossible to have that and be able to meet financial obligations also.There is nothing wrong with daycare I have grandsons who have been in daycare since they were newborns. Women want their own identities and monies and Independence. And I say more power to them, but if there is anyway to use daycare as little as possible you won't have all the guilt and you will truly cherish all the moments and stages of your child's life. Sometimes I think some parents leave the teaching to the daycares and schools,but you have an obligation to give your child a well rounded childhood where you and your spouse need to be hands-on parents. It's not the daycares or schools responsibility to raise your child it's yours. And it is the most important job you will ever have and if you screw it up what does that say about you as a parent?
Sure I could have had a big career and have the daycares and schools and babysitters raise my child,but then what would be the point? it shouldn't be so easy to discard or neglect them. You owe your child your best to nurture and raise law abiding productive members of planet earth. Believe me we will all thank you for it. Which means you can't just let them be raised by teachers or coaches, you don't even know what ideals or morals they believe in, we can't be content to let others mold our children simply because we are tired or don't have the time.Yes there is alot of sacrifices to be made but look what you end up with,and yes it can be stressful but also rewarding. Especially for moms. I mean how many professional jocks do you see say thanks dad? No they almost always say they owe their success to their mom or I love you mom! And then notice its always the males who profess it! See? boys are so different it acceptable almost expected for them to be mommas boys. And really I'm fine with that because that means no matter how old or married they get they still need their mommas!And I know I can't feel too much guilt for having mommas boys that means I did my job right. Of course now it's the guilt I feel for my daughter-in laws because I'm sure like me they have cursed his mom for raising a mommas boy, and the struggle to re-train them to be good husbands and dads. I mean June Cleaver who? Until next time. Stay sane! Mother's little helper had nothing to do with the kids!